Sunday, September 12, 2010

My head is spinning....questions consume me.

Today was a very strange day.  First of all it was the anniversary of 9/11....that would be enough.  This afternoon the Hubz and I attended a funeral for a longtime/lifetime friend of our family.    She had a stroke back in May and I suppose in a way we all knew this was coming.  But, you are never ready to say goodbye.  I watched her family file in the chapel.  Four children and their spouses and nine grandchildren.  A legacy of love.  What was/is so outstanding they all respected her.  Everyone in the community or that knew her respected her.

As some of you might remember I said goodbye to my Father far too early, he was 52 and I was 21.  It all happened so suddenly I was in shock and the grief was unbearable.  Actually, it still is.  To say I don't deal well with death is an understatement.

This dear lady was also my oldest sisters Mother in Law.  So she was in a way part of our extended family.  My nieces (whom I adore) call her Weezie.  Weezie was one of a kind.  She was the pillar of the community.  If you saw her, you saw her husband.  They were deeply in love and only 17 days away from their 66th wedding anniversary.  How many people can you say that about?  I've been with my husband for 18 years and he is half of me.  I cannot imagine living a day without him being in my life.  How many more years do we have together?

She didn't only love the Lord, she served the Lord.  In any capacity they needed her to. She taught Sunday School, she was always there for VBS.  She was always one of the ladies to bring food to a family in need.

She was a great Grandmother, and a Great Grandmother as well.  I was sad for her leaving,  because she was the backbone of the family.  In some/many ways the community.  I wonder how her absence will effect all of those that depended on her.  Who will make sure her husband doesn't mourn himself to death.  Who will be brave enough to try and fill her shoes at the Holidays this year?

I wondered if I could ever be half the woman she was, hey I'd be happy to be one third the woman she was.  She was faith driven.  A prayer warrior, non judgemental.  A loving beautiful soul.  A wonderful example to her children and grandchildren and even her great grand children.  The Pastor said she was a virtuous woman and that was true.  Do women like that exist these days?  While in the Nursing home attempting to recover from her stroke she was making lists of things she needed to do for others in the church.

I am happy my nieces had her as an example.  They had the perfect Grand Mother.  That is good. I am happy she touched all of our lives.  We are all better for having her touch our lives.

My mind then darts to my dear Aunt who will be having open heart surgery in less than a month.  I love her like she is my Mother.  I can't lose her just yet.  I'm not ready.  Better to concentrate on the matter at hand I convince myself.

One of the Pastors that was there for the service told us he had recently been diagnosed with cancer.  He looked weak, pale and had lost a lot of weight.  His wife isn't well and doesn't even know who he is any longer.  I was not prepared for that.  I have admired this man most of my adult life. He holds a very special place in my heart.  It was like a kick in the gut.  Why do bad things happen to good people?

The service was held in the same chapel as my Father's service all those years ago.  I had not been back there in 28 years.  I had to go, so I did.  Emotions stirred inside of me. I could feel my heart racing and my palms sweating.  It was the same furniture, same decor, same floor plan.  I began to feel as if I couldn't breathe ...but I thought of my nieces.  Then I glanced up and saw my Mother, who is 82 sitting ahead of me.  Then I began to wonder how much longer would she be here.  I knew I had to pull it together.  Too many memories, visual memories, smells, music and then just when I was about to leave my husband put his arm around me and drew me close to him.  I caught my breath and stayed the course.  In the safety of his arms.

I hope and pray the Lord will see fit to take me before him, he is a much stronger person than I am.  This has given me much to think about, to pray about and to think through.  How do my grandchildren see me?  Who would care if I died, who would care enough to come? Who would support my family? How would I have touched their lives?  Would I have done a good enough job?  How long do I have left  on this earth?  What will I feel when my mother goes?

I have had my husband a mere 18 years and the thought of losing him in any way makes my sick to my stomach and I begin to tear up.  My Grandmother told me once losing a spouse is the greatest pain their was.  Now, keep in mind she had lost a child at 3 years of age.  I never understood this, until now.  I finally know what loving another human so much you feel like you are one person, but you aren't.

It is all in my mind tonight and sleep won't come.  Heaven has a new resident tonight and I sure hope she runs into my Daddy and my Memommie while she is there and I hope they are singing.  That brings me some comfort.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Carol-the gardener

1 comment:

  1. I am convinced that all of the hurdles are lessons meant to make us stronger. They aren't punishments. I don't think it works like that. However, I understand how you are feeling right now... questioning what you have given to others. It is more than you think. I also know how you feel in thinking about the people you love most dying before you. It is that how can I manage it feeling. You know that you will if it happens. God never hands us more than we can handle. So, whatever comes our way, we will find a way to meet it. You are stronger than you know. It just doesn't feel like that right now because you are overwhelmed. Just breathe in and out. Remember who you are. All of the things that you accomplished that you never that you would. And then you will know in your heart that you are strong enough.