There is a hole in my heart

I'm not going to even try and say things are better or we are doing fine.  We aren't we are still in shock and our hearts are breaking.  I just wasn't to let her go, but deep down I knew this was coming.  I was just hoping...maybe this time I would be wrong.

We wrote an obituary today.  You sum up someone's life in 2 inches for 30.00 per inch.  To post a picture is an additional cost. That really makes you stop and think.  How could you begin to sum up what a person has done in your life others lives, what they have meant to you, how much they cared for others?  You can't. 

This song sums it all up for me.

 
Verse 1:

Lyrics..There's a Hole In My Heart

September sad and softly

Leaves are starting to fall

I recall, last time you were here

Your laughter a melody that lingers still

Chorus:

There's a hole in my heart

and I’ll carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels

with me down every road

There's this longing lonesome ending

kind of bitter, kind of sweet

There's a hole in my heart

in the shape of you

Verse 2

Time steals so swiftly

Children having children of their own

and around life's merry-go round goes

and there you are wanting what you cannot hold

Chorus

Verse 3

Even though my heart aches

There's a smile on my face

Just like a window to heaven

There's a light shining through

This hole in my heart

and so I carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels

There's this longing lonesome ending

kind of bitter, kind of sweet

There's a hole in my heart

There's a hole in my heart

There's a hole in my heart

in the shape of you

Carol-the gardener

My head is spinning....questions consume me.

Today was a very strange day.  First of all it was the anniversary of 9/11....that would be enough.  This afternoon the Hubz and I attended a funeral for a longtime/lifetime friend of our family.    She had a stroke back in May and I suppose in a way we all knew this was coming.  But, you are never ready to say goodbye.  I watched her family file in the chapel.  Four children and their spouses and nine grandchildren.  A legacy of love.  What was/is so outstanding they all respected her.  Everyone in the community or that knew her respected her.

As some of you might remember I said goodbye to my Father far too early, he was 52 and I was 21.  It all happened so suddenly I was in shock and the grief was unbearable.  Actually, it still is.  To say I don't deal well with death is an understatement.

This dear lady was also my oldest sisters Mother in Law.  So she was in a way part of our extended family.  My nieces (whom I adore) call her Weezie.  Weezie was one of a kind.  She was the pillar of the community.  If you saw her, you saw her husband.  They were deeply in love and only 17 days away from their 66th wedding anniversary.  How many people can you say that about?  I've been with my husband for 18 years and he is half of me.  I cannot imagine living a day without him being in my life.  How many more years do we have together?

She didn't only love the Lord, she served the Lord.  In any capacity they needed her to. She taught Sunday School, she was always there for VBS.  She was always one of the ladies to bring food to a family in need.

She was a great Grandmother, and a Great Grandmother as well.  I was sad for her leaving,  because she was the backbone of the family.  In some/many ways the community.  I wonder how her absence will effect all of those that depended on her.  Who will make sure her husband doesn't mourn himself to death.  Who will be brave enough to try and fill her shoes at the Holidays this year?

I wondered if I could ever be half the woman she was, hey I'd be happy to be one third the woman she was.  She was faith driven.  A prayer warrior, non judgemental.  A loving beautiful soul.  A wonderful example to her children and grandchildren and even her great grand children.  The Pastor said she was a virtuous woman and that was true.  Do women like that exist these days?  While in the Nursing home attempting to recover from her stroke she was making lists of things she needed to do for others in the church.

I am happy my nieces had her as an example.  They had the perfect Grand Mother.  That is good. I am happy she touched all of our lives.  We are all better for having her touch our lives.

My mind then darts to my dear Aunt who will be having open heart surgery in less than a month.  I love her like she is my Mother.  I can't lose her just yet.  I'm not ready.  Better to concentrate on the matter at hand I convince myself.

One of the Pastors that was there for the service told us he had recently been diagnosed with cancer.  He looked weak, pale and had lost a lot of weight.  His wife isn't well and doesn't even know who he is any longer.  I was not prepared for that.  I have admired this man most of my adult life. He holds a very special place in my heart.  It was like a kick in the gut.  Why do bad things happen to good people?

The service was held in the same chapel as my Father's service all those years ago.  I had not been back there in 28 years.  I had to go, so I did.  Emotions stirred inside of me. I could feel my heart racing and my palms sweating.  It was the same furniture, same decor, same floor plan.  I began to feel as if I couldn't breathe ...but I thought of my nieces.  Then I glanced up and saw my Mother, who is 82 sitting ahead of me.  Then I began to wonder how much longer would she be here.  I knew I had to pull it together.  Too many memories, visual memories, smells, music and then just when I was about to leave my husband put his arm around me and drew me close to him.  I caught my breath and stayed the course.  In the safety of his arms.

I hope and pray the Lord will see fit to take me before him, he is a much stronger person than I am.  This has given me much to think about, to pray about and to think through.  How do my grandchildren see me?  Who would care if I died, who would care enough to come? Who would support my family? How would I have touched their lives?  Would I have done a good enough job?  How long do I have left  on this earth?  What will I feel when my mother goes?

I have had my husband a mere 18 years and the thought of losing him in any way makes my sick to my stomach and I begin to tear up.  My Grandmother told me once losing a spouse is the greatest pain their was.  Now, keep in mind she had lost a child at 3 years of age.  I never understood this, until now.  I finally know what loving another human so much you feel like you are one person, but you aren't.

It is all in my mind tonight and sleep won't come.  Heaven has a new resident tonight and I sure hope she runs into my Daddy and my Memommie while she is there and I hope they are singing.  That brings me some comfort.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Carol-the gardener

I Need a Break

OK, I'll warn you now. This isn't going to be a post that leaves you smiling and filled with a happy heart. It isn't a warm and fuzzy. So read at your own risk.

My head hurts. I feel like going outside someplace in total seclusion and screaming until I literally pass out. My stomach hurts and I can't sleep. My emotions are on overload and I can't cry. My husband will see and then that isn't fair to him. I always hear him telling me, "baby, no one said life is fair." But I am one of those people who believe if you are a kind hearted, God fearing, good person you will prevail. I have always been so convinced about life being fair. I have always tried to be a fair player. Well, that isn't always possible or true. Hell, it is never possible. I am in need of some type of release, in a big way. I'm unravelling.

I even feel selfish for writing this blog. If the situation were reversed he wouldn't need to write a blog. He would keep his feelings to himself, possibly shed a tear in total privacy and keep going. He is the stronger of the two of us. He holds me,comforts me gives me security and makes me feel safe so unselfishly, so freely when I need it. I want to be able to hold him, give him comfort, be the strong one this time. I'm trying. I wish it were me with the heart problems, he could go on without me much easier, he is strong, independent. Me, not so much, I'd be a wreck. Who are we fooling..I am a wreck.

I feel like a tornado has swept me up and I am spinning hopelessly into the land of Oz. But Oz has changed. No munchkins singing songs, or yellow brick roads. Hospitals with red lines painted down the hallways. Nurses who resent answering a non medical person who doesn't know how to correctly phrase a question or God forbid you should even ask it. I want to tap my heels three times and go back home where we both are safe.

My husband has been having problems with his heart. Now it is just showing up in various medical test. His body is saying ENOUGH! He works in a very high stress position each day. As a bonus point his heart has been hurt and broken for so long it is making him sick. No matter how much you love someone you just can't get inside them and love them enough to take the pain away, fix it all and I am so mad about that.

I am so frustrated that your children stop listening to their parents, thinking instead they will do it their way. The love to say, "I got it",or this is my life" to us. They don't understand you can't turn the switch off on being a parent. It is always there... it just changes. Sometimes I swear I can feel the daggers go through and then ever so often they are twisted. Then, you remember... yes, they are still there and hurt even a little more now. You never want to see your children hurt, you feel helpless. You care for them for so many years then you are expected to cut the cord, let them grow up, make their own mistakes, watch them fall flat on their face. Easier said then done. It takes it toll in a big way.

My Husband, he is a quiet man. A man of great patience and understanding. He holds everything in, always thinking before he speaks. I used to think after I spoke, he has helped me with that. I want to help him but for the life of me I have nothing else to give, no cards left un played, no words left unsaid. Sadly, I am out of ideas, possible solutions even prayers. I am spent. I know he needs me and I feel useless, as if I'm failing him. I can't seem to pull myself together. That makes me feel inadequate.

God, I need your help.

Children are a blessing this I know for sure. Nothing can break your heart like your child hurting. It doesn't matter if they chose the situation, were put there or it just is what it is. To see your child hurt, unhappy, confused is a parents worse most painful place to be in. You are helpless. For years we have tried our best to give them more than we had. Make them happy. Give them the world. Only wanting in return to see smiles, happiness and the reward of grandchildren to love and spoil. Birthday parties to attend, graduations, ball games and maybe even a wedding or two. Family vacations filled with giggles and laughter. We want to build memories for them.

To have the opportunity to travel, see places in the world we were too busy while raising 4 children to go to earlier in life. Endless days of walking on the beach, collecting shells, fishing and searching for that little cabin we both want. Riding a motorcycle on a beautiful sunny day with the fall colors and smells all around us both. Stopping when we want and bunches of hugs and kisses. That's all we want yet from life. One day everything is fine. In a matter of an hour, one phone call and it can all be gone. Your entire future flashing in front of your eyes. Everything, everyone you hold precious swirling about you in this weird tornado.

You have to have faith in life. I know both of us do have faith. We have seen situations and circumstances change through the years. We have had long talks about how we would have never foreseen the outcome or things "turn out" like this or that way years ago. God has shown us many times he has "got this". There is always hope. But, we are so tired. Exhausted is the word. On top of this, my psychiatrist retired. Now I tell you that is a bummer. But on the other hand, their is noting he can do, only listen. I am tired of listening to my own thoughts. Kind of unfair to expect someone else to want to listen when you don't want to listen yourself.

I have been the happiest I have been in years in the past few weeks, and the most disturbed and scared I have been in my life in the past few days. I'm too old for this. When you are my age you seek peace. Where are you peace? Why can't I seem to keep you near? I have learned life is about ups and downs and no one is blissfully happy everyday. I've learned to ride the rollacoaster, fine. It is the ride ending that I fear.

In my lifetime I've loved and been hurt. Now I love so much it hurts. Love just hurts. Giving your heart to someone is a sacred thing. Just seeing my husband in the Emergency Room made my knees buckle. He is my weak spot. He always has been. He always will be. We finish each other's sentences. We can sit together in a swing and say nothing, but everything by the touch of our hands. This didn't happen overnight. It has been 18 years of tending the garden of marriage.

In the past few weeks I've seen the joy in my grand children's eyes to have both of us listen to what they have to say, woo over every word or expression they make. They know we are here for them. I couldn't do all that without him. He has so much patience with the grandchildren and me too. I want a long life with him, I'm willing to do my part I don't want my grandchildren growing up not knowing him. My Dad left way too quick. I still need him now, but he was taken from us. Please God don't take my Hubs too.

I lost my Dad of a heart attack on August 5, 1982 and here I am in 2010, 28 years later scared to death I'll lose my husband. Come on life ...give me a break. Karma smile on me. Mother Nature give me a headwind. I really really need a break...before I break.