Unsure

So much has happened to me, my life since I last typed words to be posted here for all to read.  I have been thinking about all of you that I followed, wondering how your lives were going, how you were feeling etc.  I still couldn't find the courage to share my story.

Tonight might be my last posting here.  I can say I have suffered the last 7 months like no one can ever begin to understand.  I have changed the me that was is no more.  I struggle to find meaning in life.  I find an insincerity to even express my feelings as I cannot be true here or anywhere for that matter.

What a loss in life, in someone who truly believed in life.  In the good things in life.  I keep praying God will open my eyes and allow me to see life in the world again instead of feeling like a bystander someone who cannot hear, see, or smell the goodness life has to offer.

Needless to say, I haven't planted anything.  I have only weeds where beautiful flowers once grew.  I know betrayal of the worse kind, I have grown only tired.  Relationships I valued have crumbled.  Drug addiction is part of my everyday thoughts and life. 

I feel I have crossed over to a dark side of life that has no joy.  My patience is weary.  My heart is broken and beats way too fast and at times I can't breathe.  Where is the joy I once felt?  My spiral downhill began with the death of my sweet Aunt.  Life has never been the same for me.

I tried to be strong and carry on, after that it has been one thing after the other.  Depression has taken its toll.  Antidepressants don't help.  I can no longer listen or watch TV at all.  I shake daily at times it is very embarrassing for me.  People don't understand you have PTSD, I guess I should have had a few shirts printed with the info on the front, no, who am I kidding people don't understand PTSD no even me.  I only thing I know for sure is I am exhausted and tired of living with it. 

I thought I needed to go somewhere beautiful to clear my mind.  That didn't help.  I thought love could change it, it didn't.....hasn't.  It is a selfish, weary time that feels like you are in the center of a tornado spinning out of control and all you want is for it to stop.  Land in a safe place.

Here's hoping for a safe landing....

C....be kind to one another...it's free...and you never know another person's burdens.

August 2011

It's the last day of August 2011.  Thank you Lord!  I have never had so many problems, heartaches, headaches and in general being miserable in one month since I can remember.  This month has changed me forever.  I know I am no longer the woman I was in July, June, May...you just know  it when you feel as shift.

I hope and pray that September 2011 will be a time for recovery, for healing and for happiness.  I pray the storm has passed.

I've missed all of your posts, comments, laughs, and just you.  I am hoping to be more present and reconnect with all of you...if I have anyone out there left that even follows.  I'll try to share my stories soon.  I ask for your prayers....

Remember to hug someone you love today.  It's free!

Art

This is exactly how I feel! for you guys that don't know...I paint...when I'm motivated and happy. I've been struggling but lately I feel like painting, I have ideas now I have to just make it happen.

Remember to be kind to one another...it's free.  Hug someone you love.

Carol-the gardener

It's my Party and I'll have fun if I want to!!

My sister, Pat helped for sure.  She drove from Georgia to be here with me.

My sweet Hubz planned this surprise for me! 

The Birthday Girl

My Mom with Me

My very own Princess card!

Party was held at Hemingways on Pensacola Beach, Florida

I had the most wonderful surprise party.  Friends from the past, friends from now, family and friends that are family.  Just the most wonderful feeling in the world.  I am a very happy 50 year old woman.  If this is fifty...shoot....this ain't gonna be nuthin honey!

Have a great week ....Thanks for the birthday greetings

Remember to be kind to one another it is free and so important.

Carol-the gardener

I'm going over the hill soon!

I have one day left to be forty something.  Then, on Friday I will go over the hill and welcome being 50 years old.  Doesn't seem right.  I don't feel fifty but on the same hand I feel much more in line with who I really am.  I am happy, satisfied with the person I am, content with life.  That is enough for me.

I've been missing blogging it just seems it has been non stop all summer and spring.  The weather here in Florida is beautiful.  It has been really dry but, we have been blessed with a few rainy days recently.  Of course we have been enjoying the beach and all she offers.  We've been picking blueberries and eating them everyday.   Dinner usually comes off the grill and the watermelon is sweet and peaches South!

I think I'll choose to accept turning 50 with open arms..I might as well right?  It's gonna be great!  Fifty is just a number...I keep my heart and mind open.  I look for... what I hope to find, and hope you do too!  Life is so much better that way.

Moon rising over the Gulf of Mexico

Me enjoying the day

Enough said

beautiful flowers over a white picket fence

I still feel small when I stand beside the ocean.

I hope you are all well.  Enjoy your summer, and remember to be kind to one another.   Hug someone just because you can. 

It's free.

Carol-the gardener

Chris Isaak "Baby did a bad bad thing"

I just love the feeling this song gives me.  I want to dance instantly, walked many a mile on a treadmill to this song too.  Makes you feel bad...but in a really good way.

Have a great weekend everybody...Be kind to one another.

Carol

Meet Me on Monday

Thank you Java for hosting.  I have been busy with Easter Egg Hunts, plantings and all things spring, and my son has finally finished his home and it is gorgeous. I am so happy all the way around. So here we go....

Questions:

1. What is your favorite kind of muffin?



2. What was the first car you ever owned?

3. Which TV Show were you sad to see end?

4. What is your lucky number?

5. Pretzels or Potato Chips?


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My Answers!

1. What is your favorite kind of muffin?

My favorite kind of muffin is lemon poppy seed.  Second runner up blueberry with crumb topping...

2.  What was the first car you ever owned?  A Toyota Corolla.

3.  Which TV show were you sad to see end.  Man how can I choose,  Friday night lights, Sopranos, Ally McBeal, Joan of Arcadia for just a few.


http://youtu.be/4QbR76lcOhA

4.  My lucky number is 17.

5.Pretzels or Potato Chips?  Potato Chips hands down!!!!

I hope you had a great weekend.  I hugged lots of people I love and kissed them too.  Life was good.

Have a great week.

Carol