So much has happened to me, my life since I last typed words to be posted here for all to read. I have been thinking about all of you that I followed, wondering how your lives were going, how you were feeling etc. I still couldn't find the courage to share my story.
Tonight might be my last posting here. I can say I have suffered the last 7 months like no one can ever begin to understand. I have changed the me that was is no more. I struggle to find meaning in life. I find an insincerity to even express my feelings as I cannot be true here or anywhere for that matter.
What a loss in life, in someone who truly believed in life. In the good things in life. I keep praying God will open my eyes and allow me to see life in the world again instead of feeling like a bystander someone who cannot hear, see, or smell the goodness life has to offer.
Needless to say, I haven't planted anything. I have only weeds where beautiful flowers once grew. I know betrayal of the worse kind, I have grown only tired. Relationships I valued have crumbled. Drug addiction is part of my everyday thoughts and life.
I feel I have crossed over to a dark side of life that has no joy. My patience is weary. My heart is broken and beats way too fast and at times I can't breathe. Where is the joy I once felt? My spiral downhill began with the death of my sweet Aunt. Life has never been the same for me.
I tried to be strong and carry on, after that it has been one thing after the other. Depression has taken its toll. Antidepressants don't help. I can no longer listen or watch TV at all. I shake daily at times it is very embarrassing for me. People don't understand you have PTSD, I guess I should have had a few shirts printed with the info on the front, no, who am I kidding people don't understand PTSD no even me. I only thing I know for sure is I am exhausted and tired of living with it.
I thought I needed to go somewhere beautiful to clear my mind. That didn't help. I thought love could change it, it didn't.....hasn't. It is a selfish, weary time that feels like you are in the center of a tornado spinning out of control and all you want is for it to stop. Land in a safe place.
Here's hoping for a safe landing....
C....be kind to one another...it's free...and you never know another person's burdens.