Unsure

So much has happened to me, my life since I last typed words to be posted here for all to read.  I have been thinking about all of you that I followed, wondering how your lives were going, how you were feeling etc.  I still couldn't find the courage to share my story.

Tonight might be my last posting here.  I can say I have suffered the last 7 months like no one can ever begin to understand.  I have changed the me that was is no more.  I struggle to find meaning in life.  I find an insincerity to even express my feelings as I cannot be true here or anywhere for that matter.

What a loss in life, in someone who truly believed in life.  In the good things in life.  I keep praying God will open my eyes and allow me to see life in the world again instead of feeling like a bystander someone who cannot hear, see, or smell the goodness life has to offer.

Needless to say, I haven't planted anything.  I have only weeds where beautiful flowers once grew.  I know betrayal of the worse kind, I have grown only tired.  Relationships I valued have crumbled.  Drug addiction is part of my everyday thoughts and life. 

I feel I have crossed over to a dark side of life that has no joy.  My patience is weary.  My heart is broken and beats way too fast and at times I can't breathe.  Where is the joy I once felt?  My spiral downhill began with the death of my sweet Aunt.  Life has never been the same for me.

I tried to be strong and carry on, after that it has been one thing after the other.  Depression has taken its toll.  Antidepressants don't help.  I can no longer listen or watch TV at all.  I shake daily at times it is very embarrassing for me.  People don't understand you have PTSD, I guess I should have had a few shirts printed with the info on the front, no, who am I kidding people don't understand PTSD no even me.  I only thing I know for sure is I am exhausted and tired of living with it. 

I thought I needed to go somewhere beautiful to clear my mind.  That didn't help.  I thought love could change it, it didn't.....hasn't.  It is a selfish, weary time that feels like you are in the center of a tornado spinning out of control and all you want is for it to stop.  Land in a safe place.

Here's hoping for a safe landing....

C....be kind to one another...it's free...and you never know another person's burdens.

Elton John - Empty Garden my Tuesday Turnes

lyrics...

What happened here


As the New York sunset disappeared

I found an empty garden among the flagstones there

Who lived here

He must have been a gardener that cared a lot

Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop

And now it all looks strange

It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain

And what's it for

This little empty garden by the brownstone door

And in the cracks along the sidewalk nothing grows no more

Who lived here

He must have been a gardener that cared a lot

Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop

And we are so amazed we're crippled and we're dazed

A gardener like that one no one can replace

And I've been knocking but no one answers

And I've been knocking most all the day

Oh and I've been calling oh hey hey Johnny

Can't you come out to play

And through their tears

Some say he farmed his best in younger years

But he'd have said that roots grow stronger if only he could hear

Who lived there

He must have been a gardener that cared a lot

Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop

Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls

We hear, we hear your name

Johnny can't you come out to play in your empty garden



I have no words.

I'm a gardener that cares a lot.  Someone took John Lennon's life.  You never know how long you have with those you love.  Think about it.

Carol-the gardener