Sunday, May 20, 2012


So much has happened to me, my life since I last typed words to be posted here for all to read.  I have been thinking about all of you that I followed, wondering how your lives were going, how you were feeling etc.  I still couldn't find the courage to share my story.

Tonight might be my last posting here.  I can say I have suffered the last 7 months like no one can ever begin to understand.  I have changed the me that was is no more.  I struggle to find meaning in life.  I find an insincerity to even express my feelings as I cannot be true here or anywhere for that matter.

What a loss in life, in someone who truly believed in life.  In the good things in life.  I keep praying God will open my eyes and allow me to see life in the world again instead of feeling like a bystander someone who cannot hear, see, or smell the goodness life has to offer.

Needless to say, I haven't planted anything.  I have only weeds where beautiful flowers once grew.  I know betrayal of the worse kind, I have grown only tired.  Relationships I valued have crumbled.  Drug addiction is part of my everyday thoughts and life. 

I feel I have crossed over to a dark side of life that has no joy.  My patience is weary.  My heart is broken and beats way too fast and at times I can't breathe.  Where is the joy I once felt?  My spiral downhill began with the death of my sweet Aunt.  Life has never been the same for me.

I tried to be strong and carry on, after that it has been one thing after the other.  Depression has taken its toll.  Antidepressants don't help.  I can no longer listen or watch TV at all.  I shake daily at times it is very embarrassing for me.  People don't understand you have PTSD, I guess I should have had a few shirts printed with the info on the front, no, who am I kidding people don't understand PTSD no even me.  I only thing I know for sure is I am exhausted and tired of living with it. 

I thought I needed to go somewhere beautiful to clear my mind.  That didn't help.  I thought love could change it, it didn't.....hasn't.  It is a selfish, weary time that feels like you are in the center of a tornado spinning out of control and all you want is for it to stop.  Land in a safe place.

Here's hoping for a safe landing.... kind to one's free...and you never know another person's burdens.