I Miss Him.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I'm exhausted.
I miss my husband.
I want a magic wand and all the hate and hurt feelings to go away.
I will work hard for the life I had or better back.
I will give all I have and more if that is what it takes.
I always have, no matter what I've been accused of.

I'm sad.
I miss his smell.
I miss his arms.
I miss his smile.
I miss his hugs.

I feel like a failure.
Nothing fits anymore.
Flowers aren't pretty.
Food doesn't taste good.

I miss his sounds when he drives.
I miss talking to him on the phone for hours.
I miss feeling important.
I miss being his friend.

I wonder if he misses me at all.
I remember the look on his face.
I remember the lack of love.
My partner for life.

There is no place for me to escape it.
No place to feel happy, at peace.
Thoughts pop in my head and I try to force them away.
They tear me down.

I want to say, I love you and I would die for you, but I'm already dead.
I've lost me, I've lost him. We've lost each other.
He wants to move forward.
Where is forward?

I depended on him for direction, we decided together.
We had a beautiful life.
He was my best friend, I admired and respected him.
The safest place was in his arms.

Now I don't know what to believe.
The world is full of lies.
Everyone wants to hurt the other.
My mind, body, heart is tired.

I have no chance of getting him back.
I wonder does he love another?
I want him to be happy.
I want to see my Grandchildren grow up.

I want to feel proud.
I too want to be happy.
I want to be happy to be seen, held, kissed.
I want to make a difference in his life for the good.

Oh how little time it took to unravel everything.
While I was ignorant till the end.
I feel stupid, unwanted, unloved.
I feel useless.

i feel, I saw the bond break.
I felt my self worth leave.
I'm half a person.
I'm unloved.

I hide things, want to appear to be strong
No one can't take or values weakness
He is ashamed of me.
He wanted another woman more than me.

it's hard to end a marriage but would have been easier had I not been spit on.
Had he told me 5 years ago when he quit loving me and I always felt I came up short.
Not knowing why.
Realizing now... why.

You can't make a person love you.
You can un love yourself and the world around you.
So, here I am, wondering trying to plan the next phase of life.
Knowing it is over and I want to just curl up and give in.

Everyone is angry.
Angry at me.
How could I have changed? loved so deeply?
Been so trusting.
Been such a fool.  Stupid, for way too long.

I never wanted to be away from him ever.
He tolerated me.  I tried to meet his every need.
I failed.
I failed.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I want it to stop.

God please help me.
I've gone wrong.
I need your Devine intervention, now more than ever.

I can take no more hurt.
Why oh why did this have to happen?
What good can come from it?
What has it taught me.

The story always changes so I can't wrap my head around the lesson.
I read your word.  It gives me hope.
The hope never stays.
Couples with families make me realize how arrogant I was thinking I had a good marriage.

Little did I know.
I want to think I could have changed it.
Loved him more, or less whatever he needed.
Nothing hurts worse than realizing your partner wasn't in it all the way, the way you were.

Now we all hurt.
I have no home.
Our dishes make me cry.
Folding his laundry makes me cry.

Seeing his shoes underneath the bed makes me cry
Names he called me came out of another persons mouth.
I refuse to believe he said them yet I stood there and saw it.
Friends, family tell you it will get better.  How can it?

He is my half.
I chose him, and he chose me.
Out of respect.
Respect we ruined.

I'd give anything to have my loved one back.
He would give anything to see me go.
How much time have I wasted?
How much of my life is wasted?

God please hear my prayer, give me the strength to live through another day.
Only you know my heart, Only you listen.
I'm sorry I've failed you God.
Heaven sounds so good right now.

A Day that Changed my Life

The water hose was running on the patio, and Lord only knows how long it had been running or when and if someone would think to turn it off.

It was a hot summer evening and just about sundown, my favorite time of the day.  It was humid, sticky, the mosquitos were swarming about.  You could smell the magnolia in the air, the fresh cut grass too.

I was inside with my three little ones.  My baby girl was 32 days old.  My middle son, just 17 months old and walking fairly well.  My oldest, was four.  It was such a hot day they were playing inside and too my Daddy was cutting grass.

My oldest son noticed the lawn mower had stopped and ran outside to check on his Paw Paw not wanting to miss a thing.  He came back in and asked me, "Mama, why is Paw Paw taking a nap?" I gave my baby girl to my Grandmother and asked her to please not come outside.  I know what an out of body experience feels like.

I remember watching my feet go down the back porch steps as I ran toward the patio, grill area my Dad so dearly loved.  There he was, lying down in the running water, water hose still in hand.  His eyes wide open, looking up at the sky.  I flung my body down beside his took his head in my hands and began to call his name. Each time a little louder.  My Mother and I worked feverishly doing CPR and mouth to mouth.  My Grandmother had called 911, the baby was crying from all the commotion.  I can remember all their faces pressed against the glass panes looking our direction for some kind of a clue.
I'm sure my Grandmother thought maybe he had tripped.  They had returned from a trip that very day, and the first thing he did was come get me and the babies. We were extremely close. I was his last attempt in having a son, but I did give him two Grandsons.  He cherished them. Although I wasn't that boy I'm sure he prayed for that Father's Day weekend when my Mother went into labor, I was his buddy.  He never treated me any different, I was the one that wished on a daily basis I had been born a boy, not Dad.

We waited forever it seemed on the Ambulance, then the hometown Doctor which we all knew by name.  Dad went to his home one night because my fever was so high from Tonsillitis. The Doc was playing his piano, but he did not hesitate to jump in the car with Daddy and come to our home and "see after me."

They all said the same thing, My Daddy was dead.  One minute cutting grass in the gloaming of the evening.  A reprieve from the summer heat of August in Florida, when you litterally felt like you might just melt.  My guess was he was overheated and he loved to turn the water on, hold the hose above his head and let it flow down his body.  It would cool him off and he would always get a drink of that water from that hose claiming it tasted better. When the job of the grass being cut was complete this was normal behavior for Daddy. He enjoyed the silly side of life.  Then he would sit and rock, enjoying the serenade of the frogs, crickets, birds etc till night fell.  After all he had been cooped up in a car for days driving

This day was different, it was his last day on this earth.  I had been busy with my children but I knew my parents and my Grandmother should arrive that day, I believe it was a Thursday.  So, during nap time for the babies I started from scratch on a home made blueberry pie.  Just for him mostly, freshly picked berries and a hand made crust.  I still can't eat blueberry pie till this day.  Not a traditional one like that one was.

I prayed as hard as a human can possibly pray I believe for God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Lord anyone to return him to me.  I was a baby at 22 and I needed my Daddy.  But, he never took another breath.  I sat there in my summer dress on that wet patio holding his head, talking to him and crying, like I've never cried before. The one person I loved most in this world couldn't answer. I waited for the coroner with EMT's trying to give me something to calm me down, but I was nursing so I would not take it.  They whisked my Mother away in a puff of smoke and sedated her, because that's what they did then in the South.  Woman were sedated and men had a good stiff drink.

I didn't leave his side until they came to get him and I didn't want to then. I had to.  I had to go inside and try to explain death to my four year old little boy and I was no ready for that.  I had to call my sisters and tell them.  They had just seen all of them as he insisted on visiting all of his girls while off for two weeks.

I wanted to scream, and run, and scream.  I couldn't the baby was hungry.  I had him with me 22 years two of which I'm sure I don't remember, I was an infant.  I've had my husband 22 years and I remember every day.  Each year on this date it scares me, I fear something will happen to him.  I'm afraid for him to cut the grass late in the evening, and listen for the lawnmower to turn off.

Yesterday it was August 5, 2014.  It was hot, muggy and my Husband cut the grass.  He parked the lawnmower and he was fine.  Thank God, he was fine.

Unsure

So much has happened to me, my life since I last typed words to be posted here for all to read.  I have been thinking about all of you that I followed, wondering how your lives were going, how you were feeling etc.  I still couldn't find the courage to share my story.

Tonight might be my last posting here.  I can say I have suffered the last 7 months like no one can ever begin to understand.  I have changed the me that was is no more.  I struggle to find meaning in life.  I find an insincerity to even express my feelings as I cannot be true here or anywhere for that matter.

What a loss in life, in someone who truly believed in life.  In the good things in life.  I keep praying God will open my eyes and allow me to see life in the world again instead of feeling like a bystander someone who cannot hear, see, or smell the goodness life has to offer.

Needless to say, I haven't planted anything.  I have only weeds where beautiful flowers once grew.  I know betrayal of the worse kind, I have grown only tired.  Relationships I valued have crumbled.  Drug addiction is part of my everyday thoughts and life. 

I feel I have crossed over to a dark side of life that has no joy.  My patience is weary.  My heart is broken and beats way too fast and at times I can't breathe.  Where is the joy I once felt?  My spiral downhill began with the death of my sweet Aunt.  Life has never been the same for me.

I tried to be strong and carry on, after that it has been one thing after the other.  Depression has taken its toll.  Antidepressants don't help.  I can no longer listen or watch TV at all.  I shake daily at times it is very embarrassing for me.  People don't understand you have PTSD, I guess I should have had a few shirts printed with the info on the front, no, who am I kidding people don't understand PTSD no even me.  I only thing I know for sure is I am exhausted and tired of living with it. 

I thought I needed to go somewhere beautiful to clear my mind.  That didn't help.  I thought love could change it, it didn't.....hasn't.  It is a selfish, weary time that feels like you are in the center of a tornado spinning out of control and all you want is for it to stop.  Land in a safe place.

Here's hoping for a safe landing....

C....be kind to one another...it's free...and you never know another person's burdens.

Not sure what to do....I miss my children.

I'm all over the place.  I am having extremely disturbing dreams again.  No one really I want to share them with, you don't want to bring others down at Christmas time. I'm wondering if I need to start counseling again.

I dream of my Aunt's death over and over and wake so upset, crying and feeling as if I have literally just relived the entire day.  I know it is a dream but my emotional side of my brain doesn't.  The rest of the day I feel sad, drained, emotionally wiped out.  Then I started having nightmares that really bad things/life threatening things were happening to my Grandsons, to my daughter.  I awake in a panic, I was trying to save them...only to realize it is a dream.

I wonder why all this is happening.  I am trying too hard to go on with life? I try so hard to go on...do what she would want me to do.  She would want me making cookies, and decorating, she would want me to be doing the same kinds of things I did last year.  She was always so complimentary on my efforts.

The real truth, I still have a broken heart for so many reasons ya'll.  First, I miss her beyond belief.  I still pick up the phone to call her, I can not delete her from my contacts on SKYPE or my shutterfly account.  I can't call her to get the tips on my Memommie's homemade Coconut Cake I so wanted to make this year.  I don't want to whine...I want to suck it up and carry this family on...on to where she would want us to be.  Every one is so busy flying here, and there, can't seem to fit it in.  My children don't seem to need or want their Mother anymore.  Well maybe my daughter.  I will go ahead and admit to you all that I feel cheated in our relationship.  I want more time with her.  If I should pass early like my Dad there is so much I want her to know, to have learned from me.  Wow...I've been holding that in for a long time.

She has no idea how much this weighs on my heart.  I realize she is now a Mommy and it isn't all about me.  She has the type of job, she carries her patients with her, she just doesn't walk away.  When she is off she is with her son and husband.  I guess I feel I am behaving like a spoiled brat.  She is supposed to be grown, independent right?  I'm just being selfish.

I have never had anyone to be there to make or give me a good Christmas in a long time.  You know the one where you can't wait till you can get home, see everyone, hugs everywhere.  My Daddy passed away in 1982 and our family fell apart. There were no more family dinners, get togethers, birthday parties, except when I planned them.  I have been recently appointed the "gatekeeper" of the family by my Aunt Liz who is the keeper of all family secrets.  How did all this responsibility fall on me?  My sister lives in Georgia so that is that.  I am honored to receive the title and as soon as I can I'm going over to spend some quality time with her having a porch talk.  Let me just say this...all this... is too much to pick up at age 22.  I would give anything to have a Mother, Aunts, sisters, daughters, nieces, nephews gathering in my kitchen sharing laughter and recipes.  I feel it is up to me to host these type things and let this family know they matter to me.  You can't let an entire family die because key members are now in Heaven.

I'm trying.  Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Now I'm having these terrible nightmares and I'm working on so many relationships, I forgot which ones need what.  Seems like to me everyone is out for themselves and don't want to mesh the family as generations before us did.  You know...like lets just skip it and order pizza or take a cruise.  I just don't get it.

Recently I started just thinking about me, what I want.  I want my children.  I had them, raised them, kept them warm safe and dry.  Loved them, took care of them.  I want my children back!

I had children with a man who had no respect for me and by example taught my kids to have none for me either.  I tried to make it work, but it didn't and I had to get out. I'm tired of being punished by the past. Now I have a loving husband but my children, I really don't know if they love or care for me at all.  I believe my daughter loves me.  I wonder what she would say to me... if she thought I would never know or be hurt by it.   So see ...everyone has their own set of burdens to bear.  I am hoping and praying for a miracle.  I'm hoping they will realize marriage is hard at best. 

I was brought up in a generation where you just loved your parents and especially Grandparents and visited them often.  My Grandparents words were like gold.  I feel this generation is different.  So busy acquiring this and that to impress whomever.  Always rushing around.  No time to talk, just text or leave a voice mail.  It frustrates me!

My daughter stays so busy with a 5 year old, and nursing, and family duties.... I just never see to have Mother daughter time with her and I guess I pout about that.  I need/want to teach her so many things, pass important things on to her, I would like to leave this earth with her thinking she liked me.  I do wonder if this will ever happen.  Or will I leave this earth with her never knowing me as a person.  Never knowing how much I wanted her companionship.

Sometimes...like today... I get really discouraged.  One son is very hard for me to relate to and understand how he is living his life.  My middle son just seems to be angry with me but I don't know why.  It is my fault I stayed married to their Father for way too long.  I tolerated his disrespect and poor behavior to me in front of my children.  There was a time when I felt like a no one and a nothing.  I thank God that time has passed but at what cost?  I miss my children so badly, I want them to be happy, I want to be their Mom and enjoy them being adults who knows maybe I have something important to say to them.  I don't know why but I feel like I will not live a long lifetime.  Maybe/hopefully I'll be wrong. 

Most days I can put it behind me....go on doing what I need to do.  I pray things will come around and change and be better but days like this one... I don't know.  It is hard to mesh two families even after 17 years.  I don't have those answers.  I did the best I could at the time.

Does anyone have any advice?  I've tried reaching my son...but it never seems to turn out well.  The middle one I've tried as well but he is so involved in building his new home he doesn't have time for anyone or anything much.  My daughter is so very special to me, I prayed so hard for her, I really want to be closer.  It seems each time I see her she is dashing in to drop off Mr. Pistol Britches, or rushing somewhere to get something.

I just wish she could see inside my heart.  I wish I could somehow hold her hand, we could close our eyes and I could feel her feelings and she could feel mine.  That would be cool.  I don't think that is going to happen.  We can't even have a  phone conversation that isn't interrupted.

I know I've deal with a great sudden loss and it has made me think so much about the end.  Have I done enough?  I'll just say a prayer and keep one foot going in front of the other.  Maybe things will get better.  Maybe one day my children will realize they are the only really good things I have to show for my life.  I just chose the wrong man to be their Father very unwise.  I was young, had all the faith things would change, be better I could give them a good life and we would be a happy family.  I could MAKE it work.  That didn't happen.  Will it ever?  Choices in life are hard.  I don't regret leaving him, I regret I ever married him and had children with him.  I regret I stayed and they saw and heard what they saw and heard.  I regret not having a child with my husband.  He would have been a great Daddy.  I would have loved to have had at least one child I could have felt harmony in raising them.

Thinking deep tonight.  Praying I sleep without disturbing nightmares.  I pray I wake refreshed and encouraged.  I see how my little Pistol Britches looks at me and he sees nothing but good. My oldest Grandson, the one who just turned 13, also feels that I'm pretty cool. They both look at me and smile always. That is something to hold on to right?  I have much to live up to. So much I want to pass down to them.  How do I bridge these gaps?  I feel like Humpty Dumpty at times.  I suppose everyone goes through it.

I pray I start finding some answers somewhere and quick....hopefully, I'll pull myself together.

Carol-the gardener

Just When

Just when you think you can't love anyone

He comes along.

Just when you think you can't stand any longer

He holds you up.

Just when you think you can't cry anymore

He will dry your eyes.

Just when you feel you can't find joy in anything

He sends laughter.

Just when the sky is dark and grey

He sends the sunshine.

Just when you think you are sinking

He will throw you a line.

Just when you admit you are lost

He will find you.

The trick is...you have to seek Him.



I Am Back Home and Logged In

I prayed for strength

I knew what was coming and how it could turn out

I denied what I was feeling.

The nurse came in and said there was a problem.

Our hearts began to beat harder and faster and breath was shallow and fast.

Then the Doctor followed.

He stood there and told us the bad news.

So cold, so unfeeling.

As if he were a mechanic speaking of a car that could not be repaired.

The room was void of oxygen.

We all had to get out.

I collapsed in my Husbands strong arms, my legs shaking.

The next few days are really a blur.

Plans were made for a lovely service to honor one of the sweetest, most kind women to ever walk the earth.

Flowers and pictures were  placed and beautiful music

filled the chapel.

Rays of sunshine spilling colors of red, blue, green and yellow

sparkled and filled the room.

We had to clear her things and place them in boxes.

The smell of the marker made me sick.

The sound of the tape hurt my ears.

Now, it is all over.

I am back home.

I am logged in to the world of blogging.

I really have nothing to say.

I feel so empty.

I know that life goes on but how?

How do you find the strength?

No one wants to hear or read depressing posts.

I wonder each day how many tears can I cry.

I am so exhausted I can't remember things, conversations.

Sleep would be a comfort if it were not filled with confusing dreams.

Sunshine and cool breezes should comfort.

Blooming fall flowers and pumpkins all around me.

Yet, all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.

I am home and logged in.

I miss her.

I miss her voice.

I miss her laughter.

I miss knowing she is a call away.

Tears flow like rain.

How do I find normal again?

There is a hole in my heart

I'm not going to even try and say things are better or we are doing fine.  We aren't we are still in shock and our hearts are breaking.  I just wasn't to let her go, but deep down I knew this was coming.  I was just hoping...maybe this time I would be wrong.

We wrote an obituary today.  You sum up someone's life in 2 inches for 30.00 per inch.  To post a picture is an additional cost. That really makes you stop and think.  How could you begin to sum up what a person has done in your life others lives, what they have meant to you, how much they cared for others?  You can't. 

This song sums it all up for me.

 
Verse 1:

Lyrics..There's a Hole In My Heart

September sad and softly

Leaves are starting to fall

I recall, last time you were here

Your laughter a melody that lingers still

Chorus:

There's a hole in my heart

and I’ll carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels

with me down every road

There's this longing lonesome ending

kind of bitter, kind of sweet

There's a hole in my heart

in the shape of you

Verse 2

Time steals so swiftly

Children having children of their own

and around life's merry-go round goes

and there you are wanting what you cannot hold

Chorus

Verse 3

Even though my heart aches

There's a smile on my face

Just like a window to heaven

There's a light shining through

This hole in my heart

and so I carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels

There's this longing lonesome ending

kind of bitter, kind of sweet

There's a hole in my heart

There's a hole in my heart

There's a hole in my heart

in the shape of you

Carol-the gardener

Just What We Do...In the South

This past week has been a roller coaster. My neighbor's nephew passed away suddenly and my husband has found out that apparently there is something wrong with his heart. A blog friend, whom I really admired, Lisa, also passed away suddenly on the same day.

I've been spoiling my husband and that is all I really know to do for him. For Lisa, I chose a few words, posted a special blog dedicated to her and what she meant to me as a friend, I even found the music I had been searching for. I hope her family will see it. She lived in another state so carrying a cake was out of the question.

Now when someone passes away in the South, and you attend church with them or they are your neighbors, or close to your "Momma and them" forever...you cook. We take food. That is just how it goes. Now if you are lucky, your Grandmother or (my "Memommie") taught you right, and you have her example to follow. If so you know being a Southern Belle you should a/join in with the church family as to what is going to be prepared and when and by whom. b/Never cross certain lines here.

Delivery is important also. My Memommie always used her best dishes too, china and crystal with Silver spoons to serve. On the bottom of the bowls there was a thin piece of tape with her name glued or taped on so that the item could be returned within the appropriate passing of time of course. It isn't lady or christian like to nag people about dishes and they (the family) should truly return them with a thank you note. That is how I was taught.

I am so fortunate to have a few of these pieces. I can tell by how warn the tape is or how well it has stuck on over the years, it is old. They don't make tape like that anymore. In her best handwriting will be her last name only. That way there was no room for error or confusion.

Certain dishes were prepared over and over again and some of my Memom's friends were kinda famous for those dishes. One lady always made Lasagna, and if need be she would fry chicken too. While one was famous for her Chicken Salad. One lady made Chicken and Dumplings no matter what. My Memommie always made Potato Salad and Banana Pudding or a pound cake. Now if it were in the fall of the year she still made potato salad but would change dessert to Apple cobbler or Pie. My Mother usually opted to cook a vegetable fearing people never eat enough vegetables in stressful/sad times. But my Memom, she always said people needed great food to comfort them at these uncertain and upsetting times. If she made a cake it was beautifully decorated with icing or nuts and maybe fruits if in summer time. Always place on one of her better cake servers with a doily underneath. She felt if it looked really appetizing maybe they would be more inclined to take a bite or another bite. Even if it was a salad it too was given special attention to top it off just right with the julienne slices of red peppers swirled about and pickles sliced just so dotted among the peppers, smoked paprika sprinkled on for color and taste. But don't get me wrong a Honey Baked Ham is never a bad idea. Just have to put that out there for the record. Just don't purchase the sides, make them for goodness sake.

So tonight I made her recipe for Cream Cheese Pound Cake, polished the Cake pedestal and server. In the morning I'll finish a pasta salad and bread and take over to my friends home, who is also my neighbor. The Cake has been dusted with confectioners sugar and lemon zest and fresh mint picked from the garden. The fresh whipped cream will be done last and maybe I'll find some berries to serve with it. I could almost hear my Memom coaching me saying, "that will look real nice there, now don't over do it. It will bring them comfort along with your card with the right verses tucked inside."

Tomorrow I'll carry them over and hope they will know they are prepared with love and sympathy for them. I do love them all and would do anything to lessen the pain they all feel.

I'll be remembering who taught me this was the right thing to do. My Memommie's Sunday School class. Those women could come to your home in stealth mode, deliver food, clean and organize, make another pot of coffee in case anyone else were to stop by and they were like Santa's elves you never knew it and they had the next day planned too. Thank you God for giving me such a good roll model.

This is just how we do it in the South, we feed you till you feel better. I think today, people send flowers, or maybe an e mail or e card. Maybe sign a guestbook online, it's less personal and no one likes to deal with loss.

It's up to us Southern Ladies that are left to teach our children this is how it is to be done. You show up in person for those you love and treat them like they are very special because they are. Who knows I might think of something else too.