I Miss Him.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I'm exhausted.
I miss my husband.
I want a magic wand and all the hate and hurt feelings to go away.
I will work hard for the life I had or better back.
I will give all I have and more if that is what it takes.
I always have, no matter what I've been accused of.

I'm sad.
I miss his smell.
I miss his arms.
I miss his smile.
I miss his hugs.

I feel like a failure.
Nothing fits anymore.
Flowers aren't pretty.
Food doesn't taste good.

I miss his sounds when he drives.
I miss talking to him on the phone for hours.
I miss feeling important.
I miss being his friend.

I wonder if he misses me at all.
I remember the look on his face.
I remember the lack of love.
My partner for life.

There is no place for me to escape it.
No place to feel happy, at peace.
Thoughts pop in my head and I try to force them away.
They tear me down.

I want to say, I love you and I would die for you, but I'm already dead.
I've lost me, I've lost him. We've lost each other.
He wants to move forward.
Where is forward?

I depended on him for direction, we decided together.
We had a beautiful life.
He was my best friend, I admired and respected him.
The safest place was in his arms.

Now I don't know what to believe.
The world is full of lies.
Everyone wants to hurt the other.
My mind, body, heart is tired.

I have no chance of getting him back.
I wonder does he love another?
I want him to be happy.
I want to see my Grandchildren grow up.

I want to feel proud.
I too want to be happy.
I want to be happy to be seen, held, kissed.
I want to make a difference in his life for the good.

Oh how little time it took to unravel everything.
While I was ignorant till the end.
I feel stupid, unwanted, unloved.
I feel useless.

i feel, I saw the bond break.
I felt my self worth leave.
I'm half a person.
I'm unloved.

I hide things, want to appear to be strong
No one can't take or values weakness
He is ashamed of me.
He wanted another woman more than me.

it's hard to end a marriage but would have been easier had I not been spit on.
Had he told me 5 years ago when he quit loving me and I always felt I came up short.
Not knowing why.
Realizing now... why.

You can't make a person love you.
You can un love yourself and the world around you.
So, here I am, wondering trying to plan the next phase of life.
Knowing it is over and I want to just curl up and give in.

Everyone is angry.
Angry at me.
How could I have changed? loved so deeply?
Been so trusting.
Been such a fool.  Stupid, for way too long.

I never wanted to be away from him ever.
He tolerated me.  I tried to meet his every need.
I failed.
I failed.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I want it to stop.

God please help me.
I've gone wrong.
I need your Devine intervention, now more than ever.

I can take no more hurt.
Why oh why did this have to happen?
What good can come from it?
What has it taught me.

The story always changes so I can't wrap my head around the lesson.
I read your word.  It gives me hope.
The hope never stays.
Couples with families make me realize how arrogant I was thinking I had a good marriage.

Little did I know.
I want to think I could have changed it.
Loved him more, or less whatever he needed.
Nothing hurts worse than realizing your partner wasn't in it all the way, the way you were.

Now we all hurt.
I have no home.
Our dishes make me cry.
Folding his laundry makes me cry.

Seeing his shoes underneath the bed makes me cry
Names he called me came out of another persons mouth.
I refuse to believe he said them yet I stood there and saw it.
Friends, family tell you it will get better.  How can it?

He is my half.
I chose him, and he chose me.
Out of respect.
Respect we ruined.

I'd give anything to have my loved one back.
He would give anything to see me go.
How much time have I wasted?
How much of my life is wasted?

God please hear my prayer, give me the strength to live through another day.
Only you know my heart, Only you listen.
I'm sorry I've failed you God.
Heaven sounds so good right now.

OK Robin...Here we go....19 Q & A

I was tagged by Robin to answer these questions.  I usually am a talker and would bend your ear for quite some time if you allow me to....but I've had a rough run here lately and frankly I don't feel like talking much or opening up.  But, Robin is my peeps...so I gotta do a girl good right?  I'll try my best but won't provide the in depth answers she did. I intentionally didn't read her answers so I wouldn't get freaked out...but I did see the length of the post!  Robin sometimes intimidates me...she really gets down in there with it ya know?  I'll do the best that I can....with what I've got...that's all I can do.

1. if you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?


Pets, well I guess to me they are just pets.  I do the best I can by them but I do not treat them like they are members of my family.  We have had many pets over the years and some hold a special place in our hearts, two dogs, and two cats to be exact.  However, I would not spend thousands of dollars for surgery or a burial plot or have a service with a head stone.

2. if you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

I would love to have my Dad back but that would be a miracle not a dream. To be free of pain.  I know that is a selfish dream but being honest here.  That would be my dream.  Next....Italy!

3. what is the one thing most hated by you?

people who are liars.  Zero tolerance

4. what would you do with a billion dollars?

take care of all of the people I love, do the best I could to help children all over the world...the more I could reach the better.  I'd have to think about how and what kind of charities would be best but I'd love to help children, maybe in schools...children are being short changed these days it seems.  I would surely spoill my family and loved  ones but I would not go overboard but Jay and I would travel, I would take my grandchidlren on trips.  Build memories...that is what I do.  Try to protect thee beaches too.

5. what helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

anyone who knows me knows this answer....music.  i think an Ipod is therapy.

6. which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

i think this is the most difficult question.  I think the most blessed is someone loving you...they have to choose to give of themselves, to love you, give to you ..it isn't your doing that is a gift like no other.  They decide you are somehow worthy or deserving of their love.  What a compliment, their is no higher compliment than to be loved.  When you love someone else, it is a blessing, you learn about yourself, about life...about what it means to hurt when someone else hurts...to be happy because someone else is happy but it is of your choosing your gift to them. To be loved is a gift from another.

7. what is your bedtime routine?  

bedtime??what is that?? I have insomnia remember?  I always kiss the Hubz goodnight but I usually get sent to bed when the hubz gets up for work or I pass out watching an old movie.

8. if you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

I met the love of my life when I wasn't even looking.  Met him at work.  Took to him instantly, I knew he was a good man.  I wasn't wrong.  Thankful we were in the same place at the same time.  Divine intervention indeed.  He was a very good friend when I neeeded him, and I think I was the same to him and then one day we realized the friendship had gotten stronger and deeper and we wanted to be together.

9. if you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

Monet....I would love to watch him paint...or maybe Van Gogh just to find out why he was such a tortured soul...seems all artist have a burden to bear.

10. what kinds of books do you read?

novels, some of everything really, lots of lyrics.  Anything that interest me.  Some mysteries, some self help books dealing with alternative pain treatments.  Some biographys, just whatever interest me.

11. how would you see yourself in ten years time?

oh not a good question with what has gone in my life in the past few weeks.  I would love to see me and the Hubz retired living the good life, traveling, gardening making memories with our grandchildren.  Riding our Harley, taking long walks together, deep sea fishing together.

12. what’s your fear?

that things...relationships won't be reconciled before I die.  That I'll die young like my Father. That I won't have much time to spend with my Hubz and grandchildren.  I hope it will be enough for my grandchldren to remember me, and I hope my daughter will be ok without me.

13. would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

No way!

14. would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

Married and poor.  How poor?  Ok..ok....I don't care too much for money cause money can't buy me love.




15. what’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Head straight for the Bunn coffee pot.  Dark Italian Roast coffee, check to see if I see my name in the obits...if not pour a second cup and get on with it.  Bunn is a great coffee pot makes a fresh pot of coffee in three minutes. Of course I kiss the Hubz if he is home.

16. if you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

He would be more of a talker.  Still waters run deep.

17. if you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

Hope. 

18. would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done? 

Well that depends.  I guess I feel the love I give others is somewhat conditional.  I expect you to treat me as well as I treat you, respect me like I respect you....but if you sincerely were asking for forgiveness and needed me I would try my best to be there for you..but I might not be able to forget it.  I would have been there for you you would have never had to hide what you had done, you could have talked it over with me.   We would have found a way.  If you went ahead did whatever,, then expect me to forgive and forget...depending on the situation that could be impossible.  I love my husband more than anyone, but if he ever cheated on me, said he was sorry I would forgive him, but I could not forget and remain his wife..  It would have to be over because I would no longer trust him.  People that distroy your trust have to or need to understand it takes time to rebuild a friendship longer to rebuild love.

19. if you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

potatoes.  I love potatoes, you can do so much with them.  Don't like meat that much, other veggies would get old, fish would get old, rice....boring...OH  I just thought about soup!!!! Can soup be an answer??? their are all kinds of soup..I love soup especially this time of year.

Now to tag four unsuspecting brains. 

shoes

http://afreshstartwithkalei.blogspot.com/

nicole

Kate



Don't hate me too much for choosing you, I'll just love seeing what your answers will bring.  I love reading each of your blogs and think you'll really have some good answers.  I have one seperate question of my onw.

have you ever been betrayed by a family member to the point it broke your heart?  What did you do to get through it and go on with life?  What made it better?


Carol-the gardener

Sesame Street: Grover discusses What Is Marriage?

What is marriage all about? I wish adults could listen and learn.

Saturday the Hubz and I will be celebrating the Anniversary of Our Marriage.  I was thinking tonight what was I most proud of, what made me the happiest during this past year..the answer is ...I have loved him everyday.  I have loved him everyday since the day I met him some 18 years ago.  I knew he was different, special, and we had something different and special.  Thank you Jason for being the kind of man I can love and be proud of for so many years and years to come.

I pray God gives us long healthy lives to learn more about each other to enjoy our time here together.

If you love someone...tell them.  Hug them.  Leave them notes.  Care about what they care about.  You, we will all be better for it.

Carol-the gardener