Friday, September 5, 2014

I Miss Him.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I'm exhausted.
I miss my husband.
I want a magic wand and all the hate and hurt feelings to go away.
I will work hard for the life I had or better back.
I will give all I have and more if that is what it takes.
I always have, no matter what I've been accused of.

I'm sad.
I miss his smell.
I miss his arms.
I miss his smile.
I miss his hugs.

I feel like a failure.
Nothing fits anymore.
Flowers aren't pretty.
Food doesn't taste good.

I miss his sounds when he drives.
I miss talking to him on the phone for hours.
I miss feeling important.
I miss being his friend.

I wonder if he misses me at all.
I remember the look on his face.
I remember the lack of love.
My partner for life.

There is no place for me to escape it.
No place to feel happy, at peace.
Thoughts pop in my head and I try to force them away.
They tear me down.

I want to say, I love you and I would die for you, but I'm already dead.
I've lost me, I've lost him. We've lost each other.
He wants to move forward.
Where is forward?

I depended on him for direction, we decided together.
We had a beautiful life.
He was my best friend, I admired and respected him.
The safest place was in his arms.

Now I don't know what to believe.
The world is full of lies.
Everyone wants to hurt the other.
My mind, body, heart is tired.

I have no chance of getting him back.
I wonder does he love another?
I want him to be happy.
I want to see my Grandchildren grow up.

I want to feel proud.
I too want to be happy.
I want to be happy to be seen, held, kissed.
I want to make a difference in his life for the good.

Oh how little time it took to unravel everything.
While I was ignorant till the end.
I feel stupid, unwanted, unloved.
I feel useless.

i feel, I saw the bond break.
I felt my self worth leave.
I'm half a person.
I'm unloved.

I hide things, want to appear to be strong
No one can't take or values weakness
He is ashamed of me.
He wanted another woman more than me.

it's hard to end a marriage but would have been easier had I not been spit on.
Had he told me 5 years ago when he quit loving me and I always felt I came up short.
Not knowing why.
Realizing now... why.

You can't make a person love you.
You can un love yourself and the world around you.
So, here I am, wondering trying to plan the next phase of life.
Knowing it is over and I want to just curl up and give in.

Everyone is angry.
Angry at me.
How could I have changed? loved so deeply?
Been so trusting.
Been such a fool.  Stupid, for way too long.

I never wanted to be away from him ever.
He tolerated me.  I tried to meet his every need.
I failed.
I failed.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I want it to stop.

God please help me.
I've gone wrong.
I need your Devine intervention, now more than ever.

I can take no more hurt.
Why oh why did this have to happen?
What good can come from it?
What has it taught me.

The story always changes so I can't wrap my head around the lesson.
I read your word.  It gives me hope.
The hope never stays.
Couples with families make me realize how arrogant I was thinking I had a good marriage.

Little did I know.
I want to think I could have changed it.
Loved him more, or less whatever he needed.
Nothing hurts worse than realizing your partner wasn't in it all the way, the way you were.

Now we all hurt.
I have no home.
Our dishes make me cry.
Folding his laundry makes me cry.

Seeing his shoes underneath the bed makes me cry
Names he called me came out of another persons mouth.
I refuse to believe he said them yet I stood there and saw it.
Friends, family tell you it will get better.  How can it?

He is my half.
I chose him, and he chose me.
Out of respect.
Respect we ruined.

I'd give anything to have my loved one back.
He would give anything to see me go.
How much time have I wasted?
How much of my life is wasted?

God please hear my prayer, give me the strength to live through another day.
Only you know my heart, Only you listen.
I'm sorry I've failed you God.
Heaven sounds so good right now.


  1. Oh Carol, I hurt for you. I wish I had the words to make this all better, but I don't. I do know that God is right there with you, whether it feels that way or not.

    I am glad you are blogging again. We all need an outlet for those overwhelming emotions and a supportive environment to release them.

    Hang in there. You are loved.