Out of Simple Eyes

I feel disconnected

One of my anchors has gone

the rope is dangling

worn and torn.

I have a compass

I know it is there

Feelings are heavy like fog

Steering me elsewhere.

Clouding my thoughts

I am adrift in murky waters

Yet,  I have to sail this ship.

I feel adrift in a sea of confusion

a lonely tide rolling in

In a world spinning fast

Too fast, I can't stand.

Concerns over loves ones fill my mind

sneaking up on me

I want to leave them behind

Hiding feelings  

Not so easy, my mind always returns to find.

I wonder how people disregard them

Go on about their day

So much energy inside my head

Pulling me away

Away from peace

Away from rest

Away from feeling blessed.

I don't want to talk about it

What is the use anyway?

I write it down 

Hoping it will take some of the pain away

I know I am different

All locked up inside my head

Sometimes I want to be simple

But would life look the same

Out of simple eyes I would see

Not the same life

This one was given to me.

I am working on understanding

Life and the way it is

I still wish this one was easier

For me to live.

Locked away

No one has a key

Or maybe it is just me.

So much pain

emotional, physical

wearing me down

I am strong and I refuse to drown.

God is with me

His lessons I must learn

Compassion and gentleness

will help me make a turn.

I have a life filled with beauty

Love and happiness

I do know that I am truly blessed.

Knowing and feeling

Are the games

Your mind plays on you

When you only feel the pain.

You have to reach in deep

To grab hold of the peace.



Just When

Just when you think you can't love anyone

He comes along.

Just when you think you can't stand any longer

He holds you up.

Just when you think you can't cry anymore

He will dry your eyes.

Just when you feel you can't find joy in anything

He sends laughter.

Just when the sky is dark and grey

He sends the sunshine.

Just when you think you are sinking

He will throw you a line.

Just when you admit you are lost

He will find you.

The trick is...you have to seek Him.



I Am Back Home and Logged In

I prayed for strength

I knew what was coming and how it could turn out

I denied what I was feeling.

The nurse came in and said there was a problem.

Our hearts began to beat harder and faster and breath was shallow and fast.

Then the Doctor followed.

He stood there and told us the bad news.

So cold, so unfeeling.

As if he were a mechanic speaking of a car that could not be repaired.

The room was void of oxygen.

We all had to get out.

I collapsed in my Husbands strong arms, my legs shaking.

The next few days are really a blur.

Plans were made for a lovely service to honor one of the sweetest, most kind women to ever walk the earth.

Flowers and pictures were  placed and beautiful music

filled the chapel.

Rays of sunshine spilling colors of red, blue, green and yellow

sparkled and filled the room.

We had to clear her things and place them in boxes.

The smell of the marker made me sick.

The sound of the tape hurt my ears.

Now, it is all over.

I am back home.

I am logged in to the world of blogging.

I really have nothing to say.

I feel so empty.

I know that life goes on but how?

How do you find the strength?

No one wants to hear or read depressing posts.

I wonder each day how many tears can I cry.

I am so exhausted I can't remember things, conversations.

Sleep would be a comfort if it were not filled with confusing dreams.

Sunshine and cool breezes should comfort.

Blooming fall flowers and pumpkins all around me.

Yet, all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.

I am home and logged in.

I miss her.

I miss her voice.

I miss her laughter.

I miss knowing she is a call away.

Tears flow like rain.

How do I find normal again?