Thursday, October 21, 2010

I Am Back Home and Logged In

I prayed for strength
I knew what was coming and how it could turn out
I denied what I was feeling.

The nurse came in and said there was a problem.
Our hearts began to beat harder and faster and breath was shallow and fast.
Then the Doctor followed.

He stood there and told us the bad news.
So cold, so unfeeling.
As if he were a mechanic speaking of a car that could not be repaired.

The room was void of oxygen.
We all had to get out.
I collapsed in my Husbands strong arms, my legs shaking.

The next few days are really a blur.

Plans were made for a lovely service to honor one of the sweetest, most kind women to ever walk the earth.
Flowers and pictures were  placed and beautiful music
filled the chapel.
Rays of sunshine spilling colors of red, blue, green and yellow
sparkled and filled the room.

We had to clear her things and place them in boxes.
The smell of the marker made me sick.
The sound of the tape hurt my ears.

Now, it is all over.

I am back home.
I am logged in to the world of blogging.

I really have nothing to say.
I feel so empty.
I know that life goes on but how?
How do you find the strength?

No one wants to hear or read depressing posts.
I wonder each day how many tears can I cry.
I am so exhausted I can't remember things, conversations.

Sleep would be a comfort if it were not filled with confusing dreams.
Sunshine and cool breezes should comfort.
Blooming fall flowers and pumpkins all around me.
Yet, all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.

I am home and logged in.
I miss her.
I miss her voice.
I miss her laughter.
I miss knowing she is a call away.

Tears flow like rain.
How do I find normal again?


  1. I actually had something for you for today, but I wasn't sure when you would be back and didn't want you to miss it. So, it will definitely be there for next Thursday. Still praying for you. Hang in there. Love ya girl!!!!!

  2. Hi sweet friend. I've just added you to my prayer journal. I know this is a really rough time for you, which is understandable. I'll pray that your heart will heal. Just knowing she is in God's hands must be a comfort. Just think of the smile on her face and the happiness she is feeling.

    I hope the below message comforts you as it does me.


    The will of God will never take you,

Where the grace of God cannot keep you,
Where the arms of God cannot support you
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, 
Where the power of God cannot endow you.


The will of God will never take you,
Where the Spirit of God cannot work through you, 
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you, 

    Where the hands of God cannot mold you. 

    The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you, 

    Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you, 
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

    The will of God will never take you,

    Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears, 
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,

    Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you, 
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

    Everything happens for a purpose. 
We may not see the wisdom of it all now, 
but trust and believe in the Lord that everything is for the best.


  3. Know that it's okay to not feel normal. It's okay to feel how you're feeling, even if it's nothing at all.

    I find comfort in this verse:
    Lamentations 3:19-22
    The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.

  4. thank you all for your prayers. I think that is what is keeping me going.

  5. Never ever for a moment think that people don't want to hear sad or depressing posts... Hell, for a while I bet 60% of my tripe was that category.

    When we write of these kinds of events, you do know that it is therapeutic for us... we are sorting out the things that we perceive don't make sense, and trying to understand... trying to rationalize those things.

    Eventually the understanding does come our way... either through our writings, or some nice thoughtful comment that someone has thoughtfully left for us...

    You are wounded and you are healing. You have suffered a deep loss. Honor her Life and try to understand her passing. The passings never make sense... in the short run anyway.

    I expect that one of these days, you will post something saying that you have received some kind of communication from her... maybe in a dream... may in smelling her favorite scent... something to tell you that she's really never that far away from you.

    You are feeling that part of you that she took with you when she left... eventually, you will discover what of her she left with you... and things will be better...