A Day that Changed my Life

The water hose was running on the patio, and Lord only knows how long it had been running or when and if someone would think to turn it off.

It was a hot summer evening and just about sundown, my favorite time of the day.  It was humid, sticky, the mosquitos were swarming about.  You could smell the magnolia in the air, the fresh cut grass too.

I was inside with my three little ones.  My baby girl was 32 days old.  My middle son, just 17 months old and walking fairly well.  My oldest, was four.  It was such a hot day they were playing inside and too my Daddy was cutting grass.

My oldest son noticed the lawn mower had stopped and ran outside to check on his Paw Paw not wanting to miss a thing.  He came back in and asked me, "Mama, why is Paw Paw taking a nap?" I gave my baby girl to my Grandmother and asked her to please not come outside.  I know what an out of body experience feels like.

I remember watching my feet go down the back porch steps as I ran toward the patio, grill area my Dad so dearly loved.  There he was, lying down in the running water, water hose still in hand.  His eyes wide open, looking up at the sky.  I flung my body down beside his took his head in my hands and began to call his name. Each time a little louder.  My Mother and I worked feverishly doing CPR and mouth to mouth.  My Grandmother had called 911, the baby was crying from all the commotion.  I can remember all their faces pressed against the glass panes looking our direction for some kind of a clue.
I'm sure my Grandmother thought maybe he had tripped.  They had returned from a trip that very day, and the first thing he did was come get me and the babies. We were extremely close. I was his last attempt in having a son, but I did give him two Grandsons.  He cherished them. Although I wasn't that boy I'm sure he prayed for that Father's Day weekend when my Mother went into labor, I was his buddy.  He never treated me any different, I was the one that wished on a daily basis I had been born a boy, not Dad.

We waited forever it seemed on the Ambulance, then the hometown Doctor which we all knew by name.  Dad went to his home one night because my fever was so high from Tonsillitis. The Doc was playing his piano, but he did not hesitate to jump in the car with Daddy and come to our home and "see after me."

They all said the same thing, My Daddy was dead.  One minute cutting grass in the gloaming of the evening.  A reprieve from the summer heat of August in Florida, when you litterally felt like you might just melt.  My guess was he was overheated and he loved to turn the water on, hold the hose above his head and let it flow down his body.  It would cool him off and he would always get a drink of that water from that hose claiming it tasted better. When the job of the grass being cut was complete this was normal behavior for Daddy. He enjoyed the silly side of life.  Then he would sit and rock, enjoying the serenade of the frogs, crickets, birds etc till night fell.  After all he had been cooped up in a car for days driving

This day was different, it was his last day on this earth.  I had been busy with my children but I knew my parents and my Grandmother should arrive that day, I believe it was a Thursday.  So, during nap time for the babies I started from scratch on a home made blueberry pie.  Just for him mostly, freshly picked berries and a hand made crust.  I still can't eat blueberry pie till this day.  Not a traditional one like that one was.

I prayed as hard as a human can possibly pray I believe for God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Lord anyone to return him to me.  I was a baby at 22 and I needed my Daddy.  But, he never took another breath.  I sat there in my summer dress on that wet patio holding his head, talking to him and crying, like I've never cried before. The one person I loved most in this world couldn't answer. I waited for the coroner with EMT's trying to give me something to calm me down, but I was nursing so I would not take it.  They whisked my Mother away in a puff of smoke and sedated her, because that's what they did then in the South.  Woman were sedated and men had a good stiff drink.

I didn't leave his side until they came to get him and I didn't want to then. I had to.  I had to go inside and try to explain death to my four year old little boy and I was no ready for that.  I had to call my sisters and tell them.  They had just seen all of them as he insisted on visiting all of his girls while off for two weeks.

I wanted to scream, and run, and scream.  I couldn't the baby was hungry.  I had him with me 22 years two of which I'm sure I don't remember, I was an infant.  I've had my husband 22 years and I remember every day.  Each year on this date it scares me, I fear something will happen to him.  I'm afraid for him to cut the grass late in the evening, and listen for the lawnmower to turn off.

Yesterday it was August 5, 2014.  It was hot, muggy and my Husband cut the grass.  He parked the lawnmower and he was fine.  Thank God, he was fine.

Not sure what to do....I miss my children.

I'm all over the place.  I am having extremely disturbing dreams again.  No one really I want to share them with, you don't want to bring others down at Christmas time. I'm wondering if I need to start counseling again.

I dream of my Aunt's death over and over and wake so upset, crying and feeling as if I have literally just relived the entire day.  I know it is a dream but my emotional side of my brain doesn't.  The rest of the day I feel sad, drained, emotionally wiped out.  Then I started having nightmares that really bad things/life threatening things were happening to my Grandsons, to my daughter.  I awake in a panic, I was trying to save them...only to realize it is a dream.

I wonder why all this is happening.  I am trying too hard to go on with life? I try so hard to go on...do what she would want me to do.  She would want me making cookies, and decorating, she would want me to be doing the same kinds of things I did last year.  She was always so complimentary on my efforts.

The real truth, I still have a broken heart for so many reasons ya'll.  First, I miss her beyond belief.  I still pick up the phone to call her, I can not delete her from my contacts on SKYPE or my shutterfly account.  I can't call her to get the tips on my Memommie's homemade Coconut Cake I so wanted to make this year.  I don't want to whine...I want to suck it up and carry this family on...on to where she would want us to be.  Every one is so busy flying here, and there, can't seem to fit it in.  My children don't seem to need or want their Mother anymore.  Well maybe my daughter.  I will go ahead and admit to you all that I feel cheated in our relationship.  I want more time with her.  If I should pass early like my Dad there is so much I want her to know, to have learned from me.  Wow...I've been holding that in for a long time.

She has no idea how much this weighs on my heart.  I realize she is now a Mommy and it isn't all about me.  She has the type of job, she carries her patients with her, she just doesn't walk away.  When she is off she is with her son and husband.  I guess I feel I am behaving like a spoiled brat.  She is supposed to be grown, independent right?  I'm just being selfish.

I have never had anyone to be there to make or give me a good Christmas in a long time.  You know the one where you can't wait till you can get home, see everyone, hugs everywhere.  My Daddy passed away in 1982 and our family fell apart. There were no more family dinners, get togethers, birthday parties, except when I planned them.  I have been recently appointed the "gatekeeper" of the family by my Aunt Liz who is the keeper of all family secrets.  How did all this responsibility fall on me?  My sister lives in Georgia so that is that.  I am honored to receive the title and as soon as I can I'm going over to spend some quality time with her having a porch talk.  Let me just say this...all this... is too much to pick up at age 22.  I would give anything to have a Mother, Aunts, sisters, daughters, nieces, nephews gathering in my kitchen sharing laughter and recipes.  I feel it is up to me to host these type things and let this family know they matter to me.  You can't let an entire family die because key members are now in Heaven.

I'm trying.  Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Now I'm having these terrible nightmares and I'm working on so many relationships, I forgot which ones need what.  Seems like to me everyone is out for themselves and don't want to mesh the family as generations before us did.  You know...like lets just skip it and order pizza or take a cruise.  I just don't get it.

Recently I started just thinking about me, what I want.  I want my children.  I had them, raised them, kept them warm safe and dry.  Loved them, took care of them.  I want my children back!

I had children with a man who had no respect for me and by example taught my kids to have none for me either.  I tried to make it work, but it didn't and I had to get out. I'm tired of being punished by the past. Now I have a loving husband but my children, I really don't know if they love or care for me at all.  I believe my daughter loves me.  I wonder what she would say to me... if she thought I would never know or be hurt by it.   So see ...everyone has their own set of burdens to bear.  I am hoping and praying for a miracle.  I'm hoping they will realize marriage is hard at best. 

I was brought up in a generation where you just loved your parents and especially Grandparents and visited them often.  My Grandparents words were like gold.  I feel this generation is different.  So busy acquiring this and that to impress whomever.  Always rushing around.  No time to talk, just text or leave a voice mail.  It frustrates me!

My daughter stays so busy with a 5 year old, and nursing, and family duties.... I just never see to have Mother daughter time with her and I guess I pout about that.  I need/want to teach her so many things, pass important things on to her, I would like to leave this earth with her thinking she liked me.  I do wonder if this will ever happen.  Or will I leave this earth with her never knowing me as a person.  Never knowing how much I wanted her companionship.

Sometimes...like today... I get really discouraged.  One son is very hard for me to relate to and understand how he is living his life.  My middle son just seems to be angry with me but I don't know why.  It is my fault I stayed married to their Father for way too long.  I tolerated his disrespect and poor behavior to me in front of my children.  There was a time when I felt like a no one and a nothing.  I thank God that time has passed but at what cost?  I miss my children so badly, I want them to be happy, I want to be their Mom and enjoy them being adults who knows maybe I have something important to say to them.  I don't know why but I feel like I will not live a long lifetime.  Maybe/hopefully I'll be wrong. 

Most days I can put it behind me....go on doing what I need to do.  I pray things will come around and change and be better but days like this one... I don't know.  It is hard to mesh two families even after 17 years.  I don't have those answers.  I did the best I could at the time.

Does anyone have any advice?  I've tried reaching my son...but it never seems to turn out well.  The middle one I've tried as well but he is so involved in building his new home he doesn't have time for anyone or anything much.  My daughter is so very special to me, I prayed so hard for her, I really want to be closer.  It seems each time I see her she is dashing in to drop off Mr. Pistol Britches, or rushing somewhere to get something.

I just wish she could see inside my heart.  I wish I could somehow hold her hand, we could close our eyes and I could feel her feelings and she could feel mine.  That would be cool.  I don't think that is going to happen.  We can't even have a  phone conversation that isn't interrupted.

I know I've deal with a great sudden loss and it has made me think so much about the end.  Have I done enough?  I'll just say a prayer and keep one foot going in front of the other.  Maybe things will get better.  Maybe one day my children will realize they are the only really good things I have to show for my life.  I just chose the wrong man to be their Father very unwise.  I was young, had all the faith things would change, be better I could give them a good life and we would be a happy family.  I could MAKE it work.  That didn't happen.  Will it ever?  Choices in life are hard.  I don't regret leaving him, I regret I ever married him and had children with him.  I regret I stayed and they saw and heard what they saw and heard.  I regret not having a child with my husband.  He would have been a great Daddy.  I would have loved to have had at least one child I could have felt harmony in raising them.

Thinking deep tonight.  Praying I sleep without disturbing nightmares.  I pray I wake refreshed and encouraged.  I see how my little Pistol Britches looks at me and he sees nothing but good. My oldest Grandson, the one who just turned 13, also feels that I'm pretty cool. They both look at me and smile always. That is something to hold on to right?  I have much to live up to. So much I want to pass down to them.  How do I bridge these gaps?  I feel like Humpty Dumpty at times.  I suppose everyone goes through it.

I pray I start finding some answers somewhere and quick....hopefully, I'll pull myself together.

Carol-the gardener

I Am Back Home and Logged In

I prayed for strength

I knew what was coming and how it could turn out

I denied what I was feeling.

The nurse came in and said there was a problem.

Our hearts began to beat harder and faster and breath was shallow and fast.

Then the Doctor followed.

He stood there and told us the bad news.

So cold, so unfeeling.

As if he were a mechanic speaking of a car that could not be repaired.

The room was void of oxygen.

We all had to get out.

I collapsed in my Husbands strong arms, my legs shaking.

The next few days are really a blur.

Plans were made for a lovely service to honor one of the sweetest, most kind women to ever walk the earth.

Flowers and pictures were  placed and beautiful music

filled the chapel.

Rays of sunshine spilling colors of red, blue, green and yellow

sparkled and filled the room.

We had to clear her things and place them in boxes.

The smell of the marker made me sick.

The sound of the tape hurt my ears.

Now, it is all over.

I am back home.

I am logged in to the world of blogging.

I really have nothing to say.

I feel so empty.

I know that life goes on but how?

How do you find the strength?

No one wants to hear or read depressing posts.

I wonder each day how many tears can I cry.

I am so exhausted I can't remember things, conversations.

Sleep would be a comfort if it were not filled with confusing dreams.

Sunshine and cool breezes should comfort.

Blooming fall flowers and pumpkins all around me.

Yet, all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.

I am home and logged in.

I miss her.

I miss her voice.

I miss her laughter.

I miss knowing she is a call away.

Tears flow like rain.

How do I find normal again?

A Song, A Prayer and Goodbye

Beautiful flowers and candles lit.
A stunning picture of her on the center table.
A smile stretched from ear to ear on her face.
Kind words spoken of how sweet she was.
How caring of others.
The reading of how life is like a garden.  (See below)
A song sung by her oldest Son.  I Come to the Garden alone. 
A hymn sung at my Memommie's funeral five years ago also sung by him.
Words from her Bible teacher and friend.
A Psalm read by her only Grand daughter.
Her ashes placed beside her husband's ashes.

The service was over.

I woke this morning with tears in my eyes.

Thinking how she was like whipping cream on a dessert to me.  She was life's whipping cream.  She made everyday so much better, special.  She made holiday's delicious.  The holiday started when she arrived.

My niece is here with me, and I wonder if I could ever be as good of an Aunt to her that mine was to me.  It is comforting to have her here.  Now it is my turn.  Time for me to be the glue for my family.


Life’s Garden



To plant a garden for daily living, plant three rows of peas:

Peace of mind, peace of heart and peace of soul.

Add four rows of squash:

Squash gossip, squash indifference, squash grumbling and squash selfishness.

Add four rows of lettuce:

Let us be faithful, let us be kind, let us be patient and let us really love one another.

And, no garden is complete without turnips:

Turn ups for meetings, turn up for service and turn up to help those in need.

Finally, a garden requires thyme:

Time for each other, time for family, time for friends.

Water freely with patience and cultivate with love. You’ll have much fruit in our garden, because you reap what you sow.

We found this in one of her seven bibles she used everyday.  Her Bible teacher told us she shared this writing just weeks ago with her study group. 
 
We all smiled.  Seeing and feeling her presence once again.  It felt good.  It felt really good.  She too was a gardener.

Memorial Service for my Aunt Ooper

My Aunt's name was Mildred.  However, my Mother could not say Mildred. Their Mother told her to call her little sister and it came out "little Ooper".  Over time the little was dropped and only the Ooper remained.  I hardly heard anyone call her by her proper name we all said Ooper.

Today, my sweet niece and I drove to four different stores in order to get the perfect flowers for her Memorial service to be held tomorrow at 3:00pm.  It wasn't personal enough to ME to just order flowers. Oh NO!  I wanted to arrange her favorite ones myself. That way I knew I'd get what she liked.  She didn't like anything skimpy looking.  She liked arrangements to be nice and full.  Maybe one of the last things I would ever be able to do for her.  I am a perfectionist anyway but when it comes to her, yes, things must be done the right way.

Yellow roses, yellow lilies, yellow mums...like a bouquet of sunshine will be next to her photo on the alter table.  I even found some yellow freesia.

Pink and white roses, gerbera daisies and berries with the prettiest feather fern will be on each side placed on a pedestal flanking the alter table. 

As I took each flower and wired it just the right way, or trimmed the length I tried to think of something special she said to me.  Something funny she did.  Some secret we shared.  Her favorite songs.

When all the trimming and wiring and each flower in it's proper place was finished, I had gone through funny stories in my mind, times we laughed so hard we cried.  Sad stories that were so sad we cried.  Secrets we shared never to be told to another living soul.  Remembering things we laughed about, sometimes until tears poured fromm our eyes.  I had a bouquet full of her favorite flowers and beautiful memories in my mind that filled my heart until I thought it would burst.  My hands are not capable of doing such nice work, but with God's blessing and his guidance they did a wonderful job.

I realized she is gone from this earth.  I will not be able to call her and talk and laugh with her anymore.  But, I have stories and memories and no one can take those away.

I remembered the days we spent together watching my Memommie slip away.  I remember ME comforting her, not the usual way it was done.  I remembered how that strengthened the bond between us even more.

Yesterday we (the entire family) went to visit my Aunt's first cousin (Aunt Liz) and daughters.  They had been so gracious to invite us all out to the River house (Riv- ah house) for tea and desserts.  To sit and talk aboutAunt Ooper and all that she meant to each of us. That's the good thing about being born in the South, here we stick together like glue.  We were treated to a performance by three of Jill's (my cousins) six children  beautiful violin, mandolin, and guitar music filled the great Family room and the Dining room. The music, the river and the family were all what the doctor ordered.  Never, have I seen such charming children in my entire life.  It was just what we all needed.  Now Aunt Liz will be the gate keeper of the family.

We talked about how she made hundreds of sand tarts at Christmas time, all carefully rolled in powdered sugar and how their family always called them Ooper cookies.  My great Aunt Liz is as southern as a woman can get.  I love to listen to her stories and she wants you to share yours with her.  She says in her thick southern drawl, "now Ya'll promise to come back and we will talk some more." Mo-ah is how she pronounces more.  We talked about how she loved to go to Biloxi with my Aunt and gamble.  After all, they decided, it wasn't a sin because they had raised there children and they weren't drinking and they tithed at church.  And they set a limit and stuck to it.  I even found out my Memom went a few times.  The three older ladies in the back of my cousins Pam's Cadillac heading out to gamble.

I thought about the time my niece and I were visiting Auntie.  She loved music and had her favorite playlist on Rhapsody.  We were surprised when we saw Peggy Lee and Fever.  Auntie was in the kitchen but we clicked on the song and Peggy began to sing in her low sultry voice.  Suddenly, Auntie broke out into a loud, "Fever....when you kiss me" and we were shocked.  From that point to this day that niece called her Fever.  Going through a stack of printed lyrics in her home I found lyrics by such a variety of artist.  I saw Dixie Chicks, James Taylor, Eric Clapton, Wynonna, Sara McLachlan.  Remember she was 80, not your typical playlist or lyric file for someone that age.  I think she gave me my love for music.

My brothers are all gifted musicians.  Today while I arranged her favorite flowers, my oldest brother played for me.  Some hymns, some James Taylor, some Sir Paul, some John Denver.  It was pleasant and I caught myself thinking, she is watching and she would be so please.  For the first time in days, I took in a full breath and exhaled.  They are planning the music for the service and I know that would make her so proud.  There are poems to be read, special verses from Psalms to share.  We all have our talents and for her, we were all too happy to respond.  This should be some service.

God is here with us.  Their is no doubt in my mind about that.  I have felt your prayers.  God gives us family to support each other.  I hope she is watching and smiling.  I am going to do my best to make her proud of me.

Thank you for your kind words to me, during this most difficult time.  Next to my Father dying it has been the hardest thing I've faced.  We have 3 weeks to pack her belongings up and move everything out so I will imagine I won't be blogging as much.  Please remember my family and me in your prayers.

She lived a good life.  All that knew her loved her.  She loved children.  She loved music.  She loved yellow and pink flowers.  She loved to be kind and she loved others to return kindness.  Her favorite saying was, "this too, shall pass".  It will, all the hurt, the shock of it all will pass.  Her gentle spirit will be here with us and remind us how our family is to live.  With Grace and understanding always following the Lord.

Tomorrow we will have her Memorial service.  But, it won't be the last time we celebrate what an awesome gift God gave to us when we were born to a family like ours.  We are sad, but God has been good to us all.

Carol-the gardener

There is a hole in my heart

I'm not going to even try and say things are better or we are doing fine.  We aren't we are still in shock and our hearts are breaking.  I just wasn't to let her go, but deep down I knew this was coming.  I was just hoping...maybe this time I would be wrong.

We wrote an obituary today.  You sum up someone's life in 2 inches for 30.00 per inch.  To post a picture is an additional cost. That really makes you stop and think.  How could you begin to sum up what a person has done in your life others lives, what they have meant to you, how much they cared for others?  You can't. 

This song sums it all up for me.

 
Verse 1:

Lyrics..There's a Hole In My Heart

September sad and softly

Leaves are starting to fall

I recall, last time you were here

Your laughter a melody that lingers still

Chorus:

There's a hole in my heart

and I’ll carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels

with me down every road

There's this longing lonesome ending

kind of bitter, kind of sweet

There's a hole in my heart

in the shape of you

Verse 2

Time steals so swiftly

Children having children of their own

and around life's merry-go round goes

and there you are wanting what you cannot hold

Chorus

Verse 3

Even though my heart aches

There's a smile on my face

Just like a window to heaven

There's a light shining through

This hole in my heart

and so I carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels

There's this longing lonesome ending

kind of bitter, kind of sweet

There's a hole in my heart

There's a hole in my heart

There's a hole in my heart

in the shape of you

Carol-the gardener

I lost her

I lost my Dear Sweet Aunt today.  It doesn't feel like losing an Aunt she was my Mother in my heart.  My heart is breaking. She died on the operating table.  I am at a loss for words.  My eyes are swollen shut.

About two hours into the surgery her aorta tore and they could not repair it.  We spent a wonderful day together yesterday (Sunday_)  I cooked her favorite meal...chicken and dumplings, fresh peas, and apple crisp with vanilla ice cream over to Mobile and we ate and prayed together as a family.  It was a great day and i hugged her good bye twice.  The second time I kissed her. 

I told my Hubz on the way home I knew then, I would never be able to hug her again.  I don't know how I just knew.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, kind words and friendship.  Please continue to pray for me and my brothers, and my daughters we all need it more than you know.  We are all in a state of shock, disbelief and numb.  Maybe we have cried out.

I'll have my lap top with me on and off.  We are flying in family from California, Colorado, etc. etc. don't have any details about her service yet. Other than there will be lots of music.

Carol-the gardener.

My head is spinning....questions consume me.

Today was a very strange day.  First of all it was the anniversary of 9/11....that would be enough.  This afternoon the Hubz and I attended a funeral for a longtime/lifetime friend of our family.    She had a stroke back in May and I suppose in a way we all knew this was coming.  But, you are never ready to say goodbye.  I watched her family file in the chapel.  Four children and their spouses and nine grandchildren.  A legacy of love.  What was/is so outstanding they all respected her.  Everyone in the community or that knew her respected her.

As some of you might remember I said goodbye to my Father far too early, he was 52 and I was 21.  It all happened so suddenly I was in shock and the grief was unbearable.  Actually, it still is.  To say I don't deal well with death is an understatement.

This dear lady was also my oldest sisters Mother in Law.  So she was in a way part of our extended family.  My nieces (whom I adore) call her Weezie.  Weezie was one of a kind.  She was the pillar of the community.  If you saw her, you saw her husband.  They were deeply in love and only 17 days away from their 66th wedding anniversary.  How many people can you say that about?  I've been with my husband for 18 years and he is half of me.  I cannot imagine living a day without him being in my life.  How many more years do we have together?

She didn't only love the Lord, she served the Lord.  In any capacity they needed her to. She taught Sunday School, she was always there for VBS.  She was always one of the ladies to bring food to a family in need.

She was a great Grandmother, and a Great Grandmother as well.  I was sad for her leaving,  because she was the backbone of the family.  In some/many ways the community.  I wonder how her absence will effect all of those that depended on her.  Who will make sure her husband doesn't mourn himself to death.  Who will be brave enough to try and fill her shoes at the Holidays this year?

I wondered if I could ever be half the woman she was, hey I'd be happy to be one third the woman she was.  She was faith driven.  A prayer warrior, non judgemental.  A loving beautiful soul.  A wonderful example to her children and grandchildren and even her great grand children.  The Pastor said she was a virtuous woman and that was true.  Do women like that exist these days?  While in the Nursing home attempting to recover from her stroke she was making lists of things she needed to do for others in the church.

I am happy my nieces had her as an example.  They had the perfect Grand Mother.  That is good. I am happy she touched all of our lives.  We are all better for having her touch our lives.

My mind then darts to my dear Aunt who will be having open heart surgery in less than a month.  I love her like she is my Mother.  I can't lose her just yet.  I'm not ready.  Better to concentrate on the matter at hand I convince myself.

One of the Pastors that was there for the service told us he had recently been diagnosed with cancer.  He looked weak, pale and had lost a lot of weight.  His wife isn't well and doesn't even know who he is any longer.  I was not prepared for that.  I have admired this man most of my adult life. He holds a very special place in my heart.  It was like a kick in the gut.  Why do bad things happen to good people?

The service was held in the same chapel as my Father's service all those years ago.  I had not been back there in 28 years.  I had to go, so I did.  Emotions stirred inside of me. I could feel my heart racing and my palms sweating.  It was the same furniture, same decor, same floor plan.  I began to feel as if I couldn't breathe ...but I thought of my nieces.  Then I glanced up and saw my Mother, who is 82 sitting ahead of me.  Then I began to wonder how much longer would she be here.  I knew I had to pull it together.  Too many memories, visual memories, smells, music and then just when I was about to leave my husband put his arm around me and drew me close to him.  I caught my breath and stayed the course.  In the safety of his arms.

I hope and pray the Lord will see fit to take me before him, he is a much stronger person than I am.  This has given me much to think about, to pray about and to think through.  How do my grandchildren see me?  Who would care if I died, who would care enough to come? Who would support my family? How would I have touched their lives?  Would I have done a good enough job?  How long do I have left  on this earth?  What will I feel when my mother goes?

I have had my husband a mere 18 years and the thought of losing him in any way makes my sick to my stomach and I begin to tear up.  My Grandmother told me once losing a spouse is the greatest pain their was.  Now, keep in mind she had lost a child at 3 years of age.  I never understood this, until now.  I finally know what loving another human so much you feel like you are one person, but you aren't.

It is all in my mind tonight and sleep won't come.  Heaven has a new resident tonight and I sure hope she runs into my Daddy and my Memommie while she is there and I hope they are singing.  That brings me some comfort.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Carol-the gardener

I Need a Break

OK, I'll warn you now. This isn't going to be a post that leaves you smiling and filled with a happy heart. It isn't a warm and fuzzy. So read at your own risk.

My head hurts. I feel like going outside someplace in total seclusion and screaming until I literally pass out. My stomach hurts and I can't sleep. My emotions are on overload and I can't cry. My husband will see and then that isn't fair to him. I always hear him telling me, "baby, no one said life is fair." But I am one of those people who believe if you are a kind hearted, God fearing, good person you will prevail. I have always been so convinced about life being fair. I have always tried to be a fair player. Well, that isn't always possible or true. Hell, it is never possible. I am in need of some type of release, in a big way. I'm unravelling.

I even feel selfish for writing this blog. If the situation were reversed he wouldn't need to write a blog. He would keep his feelings to himself, possibly shed a tear in total privacy and keep going. He is the stronger of the two of us. He holds me,comforts me gives me security and makes me feel safe so unselfishly, so freely when I need it. I want to be able to hold him, give him comfort, be the strong one this time. I'm trying. I wish it were me with the heart problems, he could go on without me much easier, he is strong, independent. Me, not so much, I'd be a wreck. Who are we fooling..I am a wreck.

I feel like a tornado has swept me up and I am spinning hopelessly into the land of Oz. But Oz has changed. No munchkins singing songs, or yellow brick roads. Hospitals with red lines painted down the hallways. Nurses who resent answering a non medical person who doesn't know how to correctly phrase a question or God forbid you should even ask it. I want to tap my heels three times and go back home where we both are safe.

My husband has been having problems with his heart. Now it is just showing up in various medical test. His body is saying ENOUGH! He works in a very high stress position each day. As a bonus point his heart has been hurt and broken for so long it is making him sick. No matter how much you love someone you just can't get inside them and love them enough to take the pain away, fix it all and I am so mad about that.

I am so frustrated that your children stop listening to their parents, thinking instead they will do it their way. The love to say, "I got it",or this is my life" to us. They don't understand you can't turn the switch off on being a parent. It is always there... it just changes. Sometimes I swear I can feel the daggers go through and then ever so often they are twisted. Then, you remember... yes, they are still there and hurt even a little more now. You never want to see your children hurt, you feel helpless. You care for them for so many years then you are expected to cut the cord, let them grow up, make their own mistakes, watch them fall flat on their face. Easier said then done. It takes it toll in a big way.

My Husband, he is a quiet man. A man of great patience and understanding. He holds everything in, always thinking before he speaks. I used to think after I spoke, he has helped me with that. I want to help him but for the life of me I have nothing else to give, no cards left un played, no words left unsaid. Sadly, I am out of ideas, possible solutions even prayers. I am spent. I know he needs me and I feel useless, as if I'm failing him. I can't seem to pull myself together. That makes me feel inadequate.

God, I need your help.

Children are a blessing this I know for sure. Nothing can break your heart like your child hurting. It doesn't matter if they chose the situation, were put there or it just is what it is. To see your child hurt, unhappy, confused is a parents worse most painful place to be in. You are helpless. For years we have tried our best to give them more than we had. Make them happy. Give them the world. Only wanting in return to see smiles, happiness and the reward of grandchildren to love and spoil. Birthday parties to attend, graduations, ball games and maybe even a wedding or two. Family vacations filled with giggles and laughter. We want to build memories for them.

To have the opportunity to travel, see places in the world we were too busy while raising 4 children to go to earlier in life. Endless days of walking on the beach, collecting shells, fishing and searching for that little cabin we both want. Riding a motorcycle on a beautiful sunny day with the fall colors and smells all around us both. Stopping when we want and bunches of hugs and kisses. That's all we want yet from life. One day everything is fine. In a matter of an hour, one phone call and it can all be gone. Your entire future flashing in front of your eyes. Everything, everyone you hold precious swirling about you in this weird tornado.

You have to have faith in life. I know both of us do have faith. We have seen situations and circumstances change through the years. We have had long talks about how we would have never foreseen the outcome or things "turn out" like this or that way years ago. God has shown us many times he has "got this". There is always hope. But, we are so tired. Exhausted is the word. On top of this, my psychiatrist retired. Now I tell you that is a bummer. But on the other hand, their is noting he can do, only listen. I am tired of listening to my own thoughts. Kind of unfair to expect someone else to want to listen when you don't want to listen yourself.

I have been the happiest I have been in years in the past few weeks, and the most disturbed and scared I have been in my life in the past few days. I'm too old for this. When you are my age you seek peace. Where are you peace? Why can't I seem to keep you near? I have learned life is about ups and downs and no one is blissfully happy everyday. I've learned to ride the rollacoaster, fine. It is the ride ending that I fear.

In my lifetime I've loved and been hurt. Now I love so much it hurts. Love just hurts. Giving your heart to someone is a sacred thing. Just seeing my husband in the Emergency Room made my knees buckle. He is my weak spot. He always has been. He always will be. We finish each other's sentences. We can sit together in a swing and say nothing, but everything by the touch of our hands. This didn't happen overnight. It has been 18 years of tending the garden of marriage.

In the past few weeks I've seen the joy in my grand children's eyes to have both of us listen to what they have to say, woo over every word or expression they make. They know we are here for them. I couldn't do all that without him. He has so much patience with the grandchildren and me too. I want a long life with him, I'm willing to do my part I don't want my grandchildren growing up not knowing him. My Dad left way too quick. I still need him now, but he was taken from us. Please God don't take my Hubs too.

I lost my Dad of a heart attack on August 5, 1982 and here I am in 2010, 28 years later scared to death I'll lose my husband. Come on life ...give me a break. Karma smile on me. Mother Nature give me a headwind. I really really need a break...before I break.