OK, I'll warn you now. This isn't going to be a post that leaves you smiling and filled with a happy heart. It isn't a warm and fuzzy. So read at your own risk.
My head hurts. I feel like going outside someplace in total seclusion and screaming until I literally pass out. My stomach hurts and I can't sleep. My emotions are on overload and I can't cry. My husband will see and then that isn't fair to him. I always hear him telling me, "baby, no one said life is fair." But I am one of those people who believe if you are a kind hearted, God fearing, good person you will prevail. I have always been so convinced about life being fair. I have always tried to be a fair player. Well, that isn't always possible or true. Hell, it is never possible. I am in need of some type of release, in a big way. I'm unravelling.
I even feel selfish for writing this blog. If the situation were reversed he wouldn't need to write a blog. He would keep his feelings to himself, possibly shed a tear in total privacy and keep going. He is the stronger of the two of us. He holds me,comforts me gives me security and makes me feel safe so unselfishly, so freely when I need it. I want to be able to hold him, give him comfort, be the strong one this time. I'm trying. I wish it were me with the heart problems, he could go on without me much easier, he is strong, independent. Me, not so much, I'd be a wreck. Who are we fooling..I am a wreck.
I feel like a tornado has swept me up and I am spinning hopelessly into the land of Oz. But Oz has changed. No munchkins singing songs, or yellow brick roads. Hospitals with red lines painted down the hallways. Nurses who resent answering a non medical person who doesn't know how to correctly phrase a question or God forbid you should even ask it. I want to tap my heels three times and go back home where we both are safe.
My husband has been having problems with his heart. Now it is just showing up in various medical test. His body is saying ENOUGH! He works in a very high stress position each day. As a bonus point his heart has been hurt and broken for so long it is making him sick. No matter how much you love someone you just can't get inside them and love them enough to take the pain away, fix it all and I am so mad about that.
I am so frustrated that your children stop listening to their parents, thinking instead they will do it their way. The love to say, "I got it",or this is my life" to us. They don't understand you can't turn the switch off on being a parent. It is always there... it just changes. Sometimes I swear I can feel the daggers go through and then ever so often they are twisted. Then, you remember... yes, they are still there and hurt even a little more now. You never want to see your children hurt, you feel helpless. You care for them for so many years then you are expected to cut the cord, let them grow up, make their own mistakes, watch them fall flat on their face. Easier said then done. It takes it toll in a big way.
My Husband, he is a quiet man. A man of great patience and understanding. He holds everything in, always thinking before he speaks. I used to think after I spoke, he has helped me with that. I want to help him but for the life of me I have nothing else to give, no cards left un played, no words left unsaid. Sadly, I am out of ideas, possible solutions even prayers. I am spent. I know he needs me and I feel useless, as if I'm failing him. I can't seem to pull myself together. That makes me feel inadequate.
God, I need your help.
Children are a blessing this I know for sure. Nothing can break your heart like your child hurting. It doesn't matter if they chose the situation, were put there or it just is what it is. To see your child hurt, unhappy, confused is a parents worse most painful place to be in. You are helpless. For years we have tried our best to give them more than we had. Make them happy. Give them the world. Only wanting in return to see smiles, happiness and the reward of grandchildren to love and spoil. Birthday parties to attend, graduations, ball games and maybe even a wedding or two. Family vacations filled with giggles and laughter. We want to build memories for them.
To have the opportunity to travel, see places in the world we were too busy while raising 4 children to go to earlier in life. Endless days of walking on the beach, collecting shells, fishing and searching for that little cabin we both want. Riding a motorcycle on a beautiful sunny day with the fall colors and smells all around us both. Stopping when we want and bunches of hugs and kisses. That's all we want yet from life. One day everything is fine. In a matter of an hour, one phone call and it can all be gone. Your entire future flashing in front of your eyes. Everything, everyone you hold precious swirling about you in this weird tornado.
You have to have faith in life. I know both of us do have faith. We have seen situations and circumstances change through the years. We have had long talks about how we would have never foreseen the outcome or things "turn out" like this or that way years ago. God has shown us many times he has "got this". There is always hope. But, we are so tired. Exhausted is the word. On top of this, my psychiatrist retired. Now I tell you that is a bummer. But on the other hand, their is noting he can do, only listen. I am tired of listening to my own thoughts. Kind of unfair to expect someone else to want to listen when you don't want to listen yourself.
I have been the happiest I have been in years in the past few weeks, and the most disturbed and scared I have been in my life in the past few days. I'm too old for this. When you are my age you seek peace. Where are you peace? Why can't I seem to keep you near? I have learned life is about ups and downs and no one is blissfully happy everyday. I've learned to ride the rollacoaster, fine. It is the ride ending that I fear.
In my lifetime I've loved and been hurt. Now I love so much it hurts. Love just hurts. Giving your heart to someone is a sacred thing. Just seeing my husband in the Emergency Room made my knees buckle. He is my weak spot. He always has been. He always will be. We finish each other's sentences. We can sit together in a swing and say nothing, but everything by the touch of our hands. This didn't happen overnight. It has been 18 years of tending the garden of marriage.
In the past few weeks I've seen the joy in my grand children's eyes to have both of us listen to what they have to say, woo over every word or expression they make. They know we are here for them. I couldn't do all that without him. He has so much patience with the grandchildren and me too. I want a long life with him, I'm willing to do my part I don't want my grandchildren growing up not knowing him. My Dad left way too quick. I still need him now, but he was taken from us. Please God don't take my Hubs too.
I lost my Dad of a heart attack on August 5, 1982 and here I am in 2010, 28 years later scared to death I'll lose my husband. Come on life ...give me a break. Karma smile on me. Mother Nature give me a headwind. I really really need a break...before I break.
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