Sunday, May 20, 2012

Unsure

So much has happened to me, my life since I last typed words to be posted here for all to read.  I have been thinking about all of you that I followed, wondering how your lives were going, how you were feeling etc.  I still couldn't find the courage to share my story.

Tonight might be my last posting here.  I can say I have suffered the last 7 months like no one can ever begin to understand.  I have changed the me that was is no more.  I struggle to find meaning in life.  I find an insincerity to even express my feelings as I cannot be true here or anywhere for that matter.

What a loss in life, in someone who truly believed in life.  In the good things in life.  I keep praying God will open my eyes and allow me to see life in the world again instead of feeling like a bystander someone who cannot hear, see, or smell the goodness life has to offer.

Needless to say, I haven't planted anything.  I have only weeds where beautiful flowers once grew.  I know betrayal of the worse kind, I have grown only tired.  Relationships I valued have crumbled.  Drug addiction is part of my everyday thoughts and life. 

I feel I have crossed over to a dark side of life that has no joy.  My patience is weary.  My heart is broken and beats way too fast and at times I can't breathe.  Where is the joy I once felt?  My spiral downhill began with the death of my sweet Aunt.  Life has never been the same for me.

I tried to be strong and carry on, after that it has been one thing after the other.  Depression has taken its toll.  Antidepressants don't help.  I can no longer listen or watch TV at all.  I shake daily at times it is very embarrassing for me.  People don't understand you have PTSD, I guess I should have had a few shirts printed with the info on the front, no, who am I kidding people don't understand PTSD no even me.  I only thing I know for sure is I am exhausted and tired of living with it. 

I thought I needed to go somewhere beautiful to clear my mind.  That didn't help.  I thought love could change it, it didn't.....hasn't.  It is a selfish, weary time that feels like you are in the center of a tornado spinning out of control and all you want is for it to stop.  Land in a safe place.

Here's hoping for a safe landing....

C....be kind to one another...it's free...and you never know another person's burdens.

7 comments:

  1. Indeed, we don't know each other's burdens... I just hope u will find a way..

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  2. *huggles*

    What a great song to come up on your music player...

    "Maybe I'm Amazed"...

    ~shoes~

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  3. The first start is being true somewhere. Even if the truth is an ugly bitter pill. We all have ugly bitter pills. I think you will be surprised by the number of people who can be supportive and understanding of that. It seems like there has been so much pain in the last two years. I don't think anyone makes it out alone. Don't try. Reach out your hands. Start writing again. If you don't ask, you don't get. You can choose to live in the darkness or ask someone to light a match. Someone will, you know. And then someone else will. And pretty soon you will have a lit room.

    Carol, no one makes it out of here alive. The best we can do is try and support one another.

    Hang in there.

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  4. Let yourself go a bit...Life should not be taken so seriously. With all its stress and obligations we need to look for the bright light at the end of it all. We are not perfect and should not feel like a bystander to our own lives. Live your life and as the darkness creeps in just tell it to go away. start with some small task that might make you uncomfortable and work from there..ie ask someone to coffee. Or come to terms that you are who you are and no everyone needs to be outgoing or loved by all. Good luck.

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  5. Hey, Sunshine...

    I hope you are ok...

    Always...

    ~shoes~

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  6. Hey, Sunshine...

    I hope you are ok...

    Always...

    :o)

    ~shoes~

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