Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Pour your heart out

It seems to be all I can do today.  Pour my heart silence.  Sometimes you just have to suck it up and suffer.  I am in physical pain.  I am so tired of hurting.  I feel as if life is swirling around me and people are living and here I am.  I want to be how I used to be.  I want so badly to feel good, run errands, decorate, paint all the things I love.  Things that most people do each day without thought.

The pain is aging me...I can feel it. I can see it.  I hate it!  Then, at times, I feel so small.  I remind myself that things will be better and could always be worse.  I don't like focusing on the negative but when you are in pain it is so difficult to feel positive.  Most days I can work through it.  Today, I cannot.  Today it owns me.  Today it wins.

I guess I need to explain.  Two weeks before my wedding, 18 years ago I was in a car accident.  It wrecked my life.  Since that day the old me is no more.  So many doctors, so many diagnosis, so many test, so much medication.  So much pain.  It has been my experience people don't want to know.  They just can't deal, and that's OK.  The old me probably wouldn't either.  You feel as if you are seperated ...going through time in a different screwed up rythm, slow motion kind of hell.  On a good day ... you push through and show it you are stronger.  On a bad stay in your pajamas, in bed.

I have my computer, my music and time.  Time to think about all that I so wish was different.  Then, I hear my Aunt always saying..."this too shall pass."  I know it will but today....I am pouring my heart out and I want to scream, cry, sleep and wake up and it all be a dream.  I am so tired of what it has reduced me to. I want a smile on my face stretched from ear to ear.  I want a pep in my step.  I want to laugh so hard that I cry.  I want you to rock me, and tell me stories or just talk.  The sound of your voice is so comforting...something I know I can count on.  But you are there, and I am pain...alone.

Pain pain go away...
Come again another day...
Little Carol wants to play.

Find another victim.  The sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow will be better.  That's all I have for now.  God, I hope it's enough.  OK enough.


  1. I am so sorry that you are in such pain. What makes me sad is that no one wants to know. I know what that feels like. Not the pain of a car accident, but that people in my life do not seem interested in what I have to say about things.

    If you want to talk...I will listen. One because I care. And two because I know how you feel.

    I hope things get better for you. Or at least more tolerable. :-)

  2. You have been through a lot, it sounds like. I can only imagine your frustration.

    I'm sorry that people don't want to listen- that's the beauty in blogging- how people will listen.

  3. I am already following you...I just read your post and it is so heart wrenching. I am sorry that you are going through that. I pray that it will get better in time.

    God Bless


  4. It sounds like they never figured out exactly what the root of your pain is from the way that you are writing this. And even if they have ~ and the answer is that there is only so much that they can do, that is so frustating. Chronic pain wears on a person. Have you ever read anything by Caroline Myss? If not, I am highly recommending her books. I also encourage everyone to read ASK AND IT IS GIVEN by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I have it on CD. I got it off of Amazon. If you get it on CD, you have to get it in 2 parts. It helps me to listen to it over and over.

    The thing about chronic pain is that it wears on a person. If you weren't depressed and cranky sometimes, I would wonder about your sanity. All that said, you need tools to combat it. Those books are my tools. And I have doctors who are determined to get to the root of my problems. However, I appreciate them b/c it took me years to find them. If you don't have doctors like that, start praying for them to come into your life.


  5. I'm so sorry and wish I could give you a hug. I know others who live with chronic pain and I see the toll it takes. They too give in to it some days. I will be praying for you ♥

  6. thank you all for your comments and for just letting me know you are there. it helps.


  7. I can relate to your post, and have been feeling the same way for the last two months. When it's not happy, people don't want to know!

    You can let it out on Pour Your Heart Out! I'm listening, and wishing you to feel better soon..

    Thanks for visiting, following, and I'm following you right back!