He made me a MeMe.

Dylan was born and I became a MeMe. From the moment I saw him come into the world, look around and take his first breath, I knew I was in love. I had never been a MeMe before but I somehow felt different, changed, responsible in a new kind of way. Shortly he came home and I gave him his first bath. The start of many first shared between us. He was my little man. I knew I wanted to always show him, "hey here I am here, I am YOUR MeMe". I wanted him to be proud and secure of our love. I wanted a super closeness.

Both of his parents were in the military so needless to say Poppy and MeMe had Dylan Bear alot. We watched him learn to crawl then learn to walk and talk and his favorite toys. His likes and dislikes. We learned to play his way then tuck him in bed happy. Life was so good. Then...orders came and they were moving to Germany. I couldn't even say the word...Germany...it always got stuck in my throat. But, the day came and away they went for 4 years. I cried buckets of tears. I was sure he would not remember me when he returned to the states and that broke this MeMe's heart into a million tiny pieces. Of course, I would ship packages, and I would call. But that was not the same. I felt empty.

Now he is 12 and he flies in on a jet all by his self in the morning. I can't wait. Will he still let me baby him the way I want to or have I let that slip by never to have again? I guess I'll just have to roll with it, that is what my youngest child tells me to do with life...roll with it Mom. Mom is trying to roll with it, but I don't know if I like where everything in life is rolling these days.

I want him to know I am his friend, but I want to set standards and teach him about people in our family that have gone on and how he fits in. That there are consequences to actions, but never anything that would make me not love him. Which means I have to do the ...dare I say it...my Memommie's job. I am not ready! I am unworthy. I just can't do what she did....I am not the woman she was. Maybe I can come close with my unique spin on it. Maybe.

I want to do the best I can. I want him to have wonderful memories of his Poppy and his MeMe. I want him to have what I had ...I knew I had two people who loved me unconditionally. I knew they stood for something. They stood for so much. They stood for love, the Lord, and it made a difference in my life. I didn't understand the word unconditional but I knew it was something there, something unique between us. I don't think I can live up to be as good at being a Grandparent as they were, but I am trying and that's all I can do.

My little man, my first born Grandson is coming to stay a month tomorrow. I still can't believe it. God let me do my best. Give me the words and the patience and guidance I am sure I will need. I want him to have nothing but happy memories, filled with love and laughter. I'll keep you posted on how we do, or how I do.

I love you Dylan Christopher always have and always will. I'm so happy you are coming to visit. We are going to have fun, and lots of talks, when you leave we will know each other differently. You can't redo a missed occasion, you can't take back an unkind word, you can't speak words left unsaid.

I will cry and feel sad seeing you leave but I will have so many happy memmories of you and how you are changing. We have promised to always love each other and that I know we will do and do it well. Memommie will be here with me I believe somehow and she will nudge me when I need it. I hope I do you proud my little one.

Sometimes a gardener grows flowers and tends the soil. Sometimes a gardener grows Grandchildren and tends to love.

the secret life of...

I love movies. Some movies my Hubz and I make a date and go see them together. I've been married long enough to know what he will sit through and enjoy. I don't ask him to go see "chick flicks" anymore. Some movies are just better on the big screen, while others I prefer to just order on Netflix and watch at home in the comfort of my favorite PJ's with my blanket. Ya know what I mean?

One movie I feel in love with recently is, "The Secret Life of Bees". I love this movie. Maybe because the movie takes place in the South. Maybe because all the main characters are women. I especially fell in love with the character, May.  May feels things very deeply. Her compassion for other people is extraordinary. At times, overwhelming. I am much like May. When things make me sad, I am very very sad. When I worry, I really worry. I seem to take things much more to heart than most people I know. This is a heavy burden to carry in life, but occasionally it feels like a blessing like I'm more in tune with life than most. My husband says I have some sort of sixth sense when it comes to all emotional things. My mother says I have always been very sensitive and sentimental. What ever it is...you have to find ways to deal with it..be a blessing or a curse, understood or not.

One way May dealt with her "special" gift was to build a rock wall behind their home to take her troubles to. She writes all her feelings, worries, concerns and heartaches on little pieces of paper and takes them to the rock wall. There, she tucks the pieces of paper in for safe keeping and somehow it seems to help her let go and heal. Much like the wailing wall in Israel.

I think maybe this blog might become my rock wall. Hopefully, I can bring my worries here write them down, tuck them in for safe keeping and walk away feeling better about the situation at hand. Fingers crossed. Much has been heavy on my heart for days now.  So here goes.....

One of my favorite places on earth is the beach. I live in Florida. The Florida Panhandle. To get to one of the most beautiful beaches in the world takes me about 35 minutes. Today the oil found us. We can no longer avoid the inevitable. The oil has been spilling into the Gulf of Mexico for 40 some days now. The winds have shifted and and no longer driving the outer portions of the massive slick into Mississippi or Louisiana, but rather to our shores. I watched the news this morning. Saw the images. The authorities are going to close the Pensacola Pass sometime today or tomorrow. This is a problem that isn't going to go away or get fixed anytime soon. Something I love so much is very sick. I think of the white pristine sand, it looks just like sugar. I think of the dolphins I watch swim and jump in and out of the teal water. The pelicans, shorebirds, crabs...they are like family to me. My heart weeps.

One of my favorite people on the planet earth is my Aunt Oopie. I know, I know crazy name, but families do that. This past week she suffered a heart attack. We knew she had some heart problems and was planning on having surgery some time soon. She wanted to visit my niece in California before the surgery and got the "all clear" from her doctors here, in Mobile, Alabama. She made the flight there fine. On the second day of her first vacation in years, she has a heart attack. My heart feels attacked too! She is like a mother to me. She is the most kind, gentle and loving soul on this earth. I'll have to write much more about her later. She is far too cool to devote just a few sentences to. Today, she is doing better, still facing surgery, still in California, still trying to be strong for all of us who know we couldn't bare life without her. She is the anchor for many of us still trying to find our way out here in this world. She knows all the family stories all the family secrets and she speaks the truth. She is ...my example. I still need her, I haven't learned enough yet to fly solo.

Marriage. No there is a complex word. A dear friend of mine just told me that she and her husband have been seperated for four years. She was keeping the bit of news from me, probably thinking it would upset me. Go figure. This year they will be(would be) married for forty years. She said her husband just told her one morning he thought they should live apart, that maybe they would be happier. You have no idea how that made me feel. I wanted to run outside, and scream until I couldn't scream anymore. I know he is a very independent person but seriously?

It is no secret that I've been divorced twice. Now.... I am married. I finally know what is like to love someone everyday no matter what. Whether is is easy or hard, good or bad through thick or thin. I have learned to share my existence with him. He makes my life better, my days fuller. I trust him. I would be devestated if he were to tell me something like he wants to live separate. Oh, did I mention that my friend has cancer? Yep. She does. She found out after he wanted to establish his independence. I think she would like nothing better than to have her husband back home, but not willing to think that he would come back due to sympathy. Now that is a difficult place to find yourself in. This whole situation has my brain working overtime. I have asked myself all sorts of questions. I dream about it. I've wept over this situation. Maybe because I love her so, maybe because you never know for sure what another person will do. Maybe because he isn't the man I thought he was. Maybe because I have to let it go and leave it up to God and I'm not good at that. Maybe because it is all so uncertain and unfair. I know, life isn't fair.

People always say if you can do nothing ...you have to let it go. I suppose that is true. Some of us just have a hard time letting things go. Some of us are just like May. Some of us choose to carry all this stuff around in our hearts, in our minds and tuck them away in a place where we hope they will be safe and work out and get better.

Normally when things in this life are too much for me, burdens too heavy... I go to the beach. There I remember and realize how small I am and how small problems really are. Sometimes I call my favorite Aunt and talk with her and she always makes me feel more at peace. She always says, "this too shall pass"and she is right...it does. Or I might call or email a friend who has always been level headed and not heart driven. She has a great sense of humor and in no time at all we are laughing our heads off and I've forgotten all that is wrong in this life. Thinking instead of a good joke to share with her.

All of my methods of coping are out of the equation due to reasons previously explained above. Instead I think I'll work in the garden with my ipod in my ears. Music always takes me away. Then I'll cook dinner for my husband. I'll rely on the things that I know I can count on to comfort me. Maybe I'll catch a good movie tonight.  Say my prayers like I always do.  Hmm,... Maybe I should start building a wall too.

The Garden

I've been taking pictures lately of the different blooms in my garden. As each one opens, I am excited and run out with camera in hand to see if I can possibly capture the beauty. The picture count gets higher and higher. I enjoy posting the pictures and sharing them with family and friends that live away and don't get to visit.

Yesterday, I was thinking of different homes I remember from my childhood and the flowers that stood out in the yards of those homes. My Grandmother had a lovely blush pink "old timey" rose, as we say in the south, that really put on a show when it bloomed. I can't think of her yard without thinking of the huge Blue Mop head hydrangeas that graced each side of the steps to the front porch. Their were Camellias, Gardenias, and of course Daylillies too. My Grandfather even planted some Olive trees. My Dad had a beautiful English dogwood tree. Each spring he would cut the bloomed branches and make a bouquet from them and the Red and White Amaryllis he grew. He would take the bouquet to Church on Sunday and place it in a prominent place so that all the members could enjoy it. Kinda strange for a Southern man to do...but a memory I love. A softer side of my Daddy.

I had a great Aunt, who I swear, could grow anything. She would take cuttings from other people's plants and soon hers would be much bigger and prettier too. People nearby would save seeds from family plants and give them to her ...hoping she could revive the chain. She caught rain in huge blue barrels before recycling or water conservation was cool. She watered every evening as she explained to me was the best time of the day. Her porch cluttered with pots of clippings, seedlings, beautiful full ferns and blooms. She never had children, but she had her plants. She babied those plants!

I wonder...if children pass by my little garden and notice. I try to plant with my Grandchildren because I know the planting of the seed, or flower is really much deeper. It is hope. It is love of the land. It is the nurturing that goes with it. It is a gift from God. It is part of who I am.