I'm all over the place. I am having extremely disturbing dreams again. No one really I want to share them with, you don't want to bring others down at Christmas time. I'm wondering if I need to start counseling again.
I dream of my Aunt's death over and over and wake so upset, crying and feeling as if I have literally just relived the entire day. I know it is a dream but my emotional side of my brain doesn't. The rest of the day I feel sad, drained, emotionally wiped out. Then I started having nightmares that really bad things/life threatening things were happening to my Grandsons, to my daughter. I awake in a panic, I was trying to save them...only to realize it is a dream.
I wonder why all this is happening. I am trying too hard to go on with life? I try so hard to go on...do what she would want me to do. She would want me making cookies, and decorating, she would want me to be doing the same kinds of things I did last year. She was always so complimentary on my efforts.
The real truth, I still have a broken heart for so many reasons ya'll. First, I miss her beyond belief. I still pick up the phone to call her, I can not delete her from my contacts on SKYPE or my shutterfly account. I can't call her to get the tips on my Memommie's homemade Coconut Cake I so wanted to make this year. I don't want to whine...I want to suck it up and carry this family on...on to where she would want us to be. Every one is so busy flying here, and there, can't seem to fit it in. My children don't seem to need or want their Mother anymore. Well maybe my daughter. I will go ahead and admit to you all that I feel cheated in our relationship. I want more time with her. If I should pass early like my Dad there is so much I want her to know, to have learned from me. Wow...I've been holding that in for a long time.
She has no idea how much this weighs on my heart. I realize she is now a Mommy and it isn't all about me. She has the type of job, she carries her patients with her, she just doesn't walk away. When she is off she is with her son and husband. I guess I feel I am behaving like a spoiled brat. She is supposed to be grown, independent right? I'm just being selfish.
I have never had anyone to be there to make or give me a good Christmas in a long time. You know the one where you can't wait till you can get home, see everyone, hugs everywhere. My Daddy passed away in 1982 and our family fell apart. There were no more family dinners, get togethers, birthday parties, except when I planned them. I have been recently appointed the "gatekeeper" of the family by my Aunt Liz who is the keeper of all family secrets. How did all this responsibility fall on me? My sister lives in Georgia so that is that. I am honored to receive the title and as soon as I can I'm going over to spend some quality time with her having a porch talk. Let me just say this...all this... is too much to pick up at age 22. I would give anything to have a Mother, Aunts, sisters, daughters, nieces, nephews gathering in my kitchen sharing laughter and recipes. I feel it is up to me to host these type things and let this family know they matter to me. You can't let an entire family die because key members are now in Heaven.
I'm trying. Sometimes I feel like giving up. Now I'm having these terrible nightmares and I'm working on so many relationships, I forgot which ones need what. Seems like to me everyone is out for themselves and don't want to mesh the family as generations before us did. You know...like lets just skip it and order pizza or take a cruise. I just don't get it.
Recently I started just thinking about me, what I want. I want my children. I had them, raised them, kept them warm safe and dry. Loved them, took care of them. I want my children back!
I had children with a man who had no respect for me and by example taught my kids to have none for me either. I tried to make it work, but it didn't and I had to get out. I'm tired of being punished by the past. Now I have a loving husband but my children, I really don't know if they love or care for me at all. I believe my daughter loves me. I wonder what she would say to me... if she thought I would never know or be hurt by it. So see ...everyone has their own set of burdens to bear. I am hoping and praying for a miracle. I'm hoping they will realize marriage is hard at best.
I was brought up in a generation where you just loved your parents and especially Grandparents and visited them often. My Grandparents words were like gold. I feel this generation is different. So busy acquiring this and that to impress whomever. Always rushing around. No time to talk, just text or leave a voice mail. It frustrates me!
My daughter stays so busy with a 5 year old, and nursing, and family duties.... I just never see to have Mother daughter time with her and I guess I pout about that. I need/want to teach her so many things, pass important things on to her, I would like to leave this earth with her thinking she liked me. I do wonder if this will ever happen. Or will I leave this earth with her never knowing me as a person. Never knowing how much I wanted her companionship.
Sometimes...like today... I get really discouraged. One son is very hard for me to relate to and understand how he is living his life. My middle son just seems to be angry with me but I don't know why. It is my fault I stayed married to their Father for way too long. I tolerated his disrespect and poor behavior to me in front of my children. There was a time when I felt like a no one and a nothing. I thank God that time has passed but at what cost? I miss my children so badly, I want them to be happy, I want to be their Mom and enjoy them being adults who knows maybe I have something important to say to them. I don't know why but I feel like I will not live a long lifetime. Maybe/hopefully I'll be wrong.
Most days I can put it behind me....go on doing what I need to do. I pray things will come around and change and be better but days like this one... I don't know. It is hard to mesh two families even after 17 years. I don't have those answers. I did the best I could at the time.
Does anyone have any advice? I've tried reaching my son...but it never seems to turn out well. The middle one I've tried as well but he is so involved in building his new home he doesn't have time for anyone or anything much. My daughter is so very special to me, I prayed so hard for her, I really want to be closer. It seems each time I see her she is dashing in to drop off Mr. Pistol Britches, or rushing somewhere to get something.
I just wish she could see inside my heart. I wish I could somehow hold her hand, we could close our eyes and I could feel her feelings and she could feel mine. That would be cool. I don't think that is going to happen. We can't even have a phone conversation that isn't interrupted.
I know I've deal with a great sudden loss and it has made me think so much about the end. Have I done enough? I'll just say a prayer and keep one foot going in front of the other. Maybe things will get better. Maybe one day my children will realize they are the only really good things I have to show for my life. I just chose the wrong man to be their Father very unwise. I was young, had all the faith things would change, be better I could give them a good life and we would be a happy family. I could MAKE it work. That didn't happen. Will it ever? Choices in life are hard. I don't regret leaving him, I regret I ever married him and had children with him. I regret I stayed and they saw and heard what they saw and heard. I regret not having a child with my husband. He would have been a great Daddy. I would have loved to have had at least one child I could have felt harmony in raising them.
Thinking deep tonight. Praying I sleep without disturbing nightmares. I pray I wake refreshed and encouraged. I see how my little Pistol Britches looks at me and he sees nothing but good. My oldest Grandson, the one who just turned 13, also feels that I'm pretty cool. They both look at me and smile always. That is something to hold on to right? I have much to live up to. So much I want to pass down to them. How do I bridge these gaps? I feel like Humpty Dumpty at times. I suppose everyone goes through it.
I pray I start finding some answers somewhere and quick....hopefully, I'll pull myself together.
Carol-the gardener
