when you realize you don't fit

There is no place for me.
I don't belong here.
I need somewhere to rest and get my mind at peace.

I need someone who can help me.
Yes, I trust God.
I know he performs miracles everyday.

I don't feel worth a miracle.
Give it to a child with cancer.
Not someone like me.

I'm tired. I've given up finally.
it's just over.

What do you feel?

I feel lost
I feel like everything I see is part of us.
I feel like I wish we could express to each other how we both feel.

I know in my heart it is over, I don't want to accept it.
I want to find a way to make it all work out.
I think too much been said and done.

I miss you. I'd do anything.
I still remember more good times than bad.
I miss being held in your arms to fall asleep.

I'm too far away to do anything.
I remember telling me you hated me.
Why do I still want to fix it all.

I need to let it go.
Instead, I want to pray to God for a miracle.
My vows are all I remember and our giggles together.

But, I wonder, How do you feel?

I Miss Him.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I'm exhausted.
I miss my husband.
I want a magic wand and all the hate and hurt feelings to go away.
I will work hard for the life I had or better back.
I will give all I have and more if that is what it takes.
I always have, no matter what I've been accused of.

I'm sad.
I miss his smell.
I miss his arms.
I miss his smile.
I miss his hugs.

I feel like a failure.
Nothing fits anymore.
Flowers aren't pretty.
Food doesn't taste good.

I miss his sounds when he drives.
I miss talking to him on the phone for hours.
I miss feeling important.
I miss being his friend.

I wonder if he misses me at all.
I remember the look on his face.
I remember the lack of love.
My partner for life.

There is no place for me to escape it.
No place to feel happy, at peace.
Thoughts pop in my head and I try to force them away.
They tear me down.

I want to say, I love you and I would die for you, but I'm already dead.
I've lost me, I've lost him. We've lost each other.
He wants to move forward.
Where is forward?

I depended on him for direction, we decided together.
We had a beautiful life.
He was my best friend, I admired and respected him.
The safest place was in his arms.

Now I don't know what to believe.
The world is full of lies.
Everyone wants to hurt the other.
My mind, body, heart is tired.

I have no chance of getting him back.
I wonder does he love another?
I want him to be happy.
I want to see my Grandchildren grow up.

I want to feel proud.
I too want to be happy.
I want to be happy to be seen, held, kissed.
I want to make a difference in his life for the good.

Oh how little time it took to unravel everything.
While I was ignorant till the end.
I feel stupid, unwanted, unloved.
I feel useless.

i feel, I saw the bond break.
I felt my self worth leave.
I'm half a person.
I'm unloved.

I hide things, want to appear to be strong
No one can't take or values weakness
He is ashamed of me.
He wanted another woman more than me.

it's hard to end a marriage but would have been easier had I not been spit on.
Had he told me 5 years ago when he quit loving me and I always felt I came up short.
Not knowing why.
Realizing now... why.

You can't make a person love you.
You can un love yourself and the world around you.
So, here I am, wondering trying to plan the next phase of life.
Knowing it is over and I want to just curl up and give in.

Everyone is angry.
Angry at me.
How could I have changed? loved so deeply?
Been so trusting.
Been such a fool.  Stupid, for way too long.

I never wanted to be away from him ever.
He tolerated me.  I tried to meet his every need.
I failed.
I failed.

I'm lonely.
I'm scared.
I want it to stop.

God please help me.
I've gone wrong.
I need your Devine intervention, now more than ever.

I can take no more hurt.
Why oh why did this have to happen?
What good can come from it?
What has it taught me.

The story always changes so I can't wrap my head around the lesson.
I read your word.  It gives me hope.
The hope never stays.
Couples with families make me realize how arrogant I was thinking I had a good marriage.

Little did I know.
I want to think I could have changed it.
Loved him more, or less whatever he needed.
Nothing hurts worse than realizing your partner wasn't in it all the way, the way you were.

Now we all hurt.
I have no home.
Our dishes make me cry.
Folding his laundry makes me cry.

Seeing his shoes underneath the bed makes me cry
Names he called me came out of another persons mouth.
I refuse to believe he said them yet I stood there and saw it.
Friends, family tell you it will get better.  How can it?

He is my half.
I chose him, and he chose me.
Out of respect.
Respect we ruined.

I'd give anything to have my loved one back.
He would give anything to see me go.
How much time have I wasted?
How much of my life is wasted?

God please hear my prayer, give me the strength to live through another day.
Only you know my heart, Only you listen.
I'm sorry I've failed you God.
Heaven sounds so good right now.

A Day that Changed my Life

The water hose was running on the patio, and Lord only knows how long it had been running or when and if someone would think to turn it off.

It was a hot summer evening and just about sundown, my favorite time of the day.  It was humid, sticky, the mosquitos were swarming about.  You could smell the magnolia in the air, the fresh cut grass too.

I was inside with my three little ones.  My baby girl was 32 days old.  My middle son, just 17 months old and walking fairly well.  My oldest, was four.  It was such a hot day they were playing inside and too my Daddy was cutting grass.

My oldest son noticed the lawn mower had stopped and ran outside to check on his Paw Paw not wanting to miss a thing.  He came back in and asked me, "Mama, why is Paw Paw taking a nap?" I gave my baby girl to my Grandmother and asked her to please not come outside.  I know what an out of body experience feels like.

I remember watching my feet go down the back porch steps as I ran toward the patio, grill area my Dad so dearly loved.  There he was, lying down in the running water, water hose still in hand.  His eyes wide open, looking up at the sky.  I flung my body down beside his took his head in my hands and began to call his name. Each time a little louder.  My Mother and I worked feverishly doing CPR and mouth to mouth.  My Grandmother had called 911, the baby was crying from all the commotion.  I can remember all their faces pressed against the glass panes looking our direction for some kind of a clue.
I'm sure my Grandmother thought maybe he had tripped.  They had returned from a trip that very day, and the first thing he did was come get me and the babies. We were extremely close. I was his last attempt in having a son, but I did give him two Grandsons.  He cherished them. Although I wasn't that boy I'm sure he prayed for that Father's Day weekend when my Mother went into labor, I was his buddy.  He never treated me any different, I was the one that wished on a daily basis I had been born a boy, not Dad.

We waited forever it seemed on the Ambulance, then the hometown Doctor which we all knew by name.  Dad went to his home one night because my fever was so high from Tonsillitis. The Doc was playing his piano, but he did not hesitate to jump in the car with Daddy and come to our home and "see after me."

They all said the same thing, My Daddy was dead.  One minute cutting grass in the gloaming of the evening.  A reprieve from the summer heat of August in Florida, when you litterally felt like you might just melt.  My guess was he was overheated and he loved to turn the water on, hold the hose above his head and let it flow down his body.  It would cool him off and he would always get a drink of that water from that hose claiming it tasted better. When the job of the grass being cut was complete this was normal behavior for Daddy. He enjoyed the silly side of life.  Then he would sit and rock, enjoying the serenade of the frogs, crickets, birds etc till night fell.  After all he had been cooped up in a car for days driving

This day was different, it was his last day on this earth.  I had been busy with my children but I knew my parents and my Grandmother should arrive that day, I believe it was a Thursday.  So, during nap time for the babies I started from scratch on a home made blueberry pie.  Just for him mostly, freshly picked berries and a hand made crust.  I still can't eat blueberry pie till this day.  Not a traditional one like that one was.

I prayed as hard as a human can possibly pray I believe for God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Lord anyone to return him to me.  I was a baby at 22 and I needed my Daddy.  But, he never took another breath.  I sat there in my summer dress on that wet patio holding his head, talking to him and crying, like I've never cried before. The one person I loved most in this world couldn't answer. I waited for the coroner with EMT's trying to give me something to calm me down, but I was nursing so I would not take it.  They whisked my Mother away in a puff of smoke and sedated her, because that's what they did then in the South.  Woman were sedated and men had a good stiff drink.

I didn't leave his side until they came to get him and I didn't want to then. I had to.  I had to go inside and try to explain death to my four year old little boy and I was no ready for that.  I had to call my sisters and tell them.  They had just seen all of them as he insisted on visiting all of his girls while off for two weeks.

I wanted to scream, and run, and scream.  I couldn't the baby was hungry.  I had him with me 22 years two of which I'm sure I don't remember, I was an infant.  I've had my husband 22 years and I remember every day.  Each year on this date it scares me, I fear something will happen to him.  I'm afraid for him to cut the grass late in the evening, and listen for the lawnmower to turn off.

Yesterday it was August 5, 2014.  It was hot, muggy and my Husband cut the grass.  He parked the lawnmower and he was fine.  Thank God, he was fine.

Unsure

So much has happened to me, my life since I last typed words to be posted here for all to read.  I have been thinking about all of you that I followed, wondering how your lives were going, how you were feeling etc.  I still couldn't find the courage to share my story.

Tonight might be my last posting here.  I can say I have suffered the last 7 months like no one can ever begin to understand.  I have changed the me that was is no more.  I struggle to find meaning in life.  I find an insincerity to even express my feelings as I cannot be true here or anywhere for that matter.

What a loss in life, in someone who truly believed in life.  In the good things in life.  I keep praying God will open my eyes and allow me to see life in the world again instead of feeling like a bystander someone who cannot hear, see, or smell the goodness life has to offer.

Needless to say, I haven't planted anything.  I have only weeds where beautiful flowers once grew.  I know betrayal of the worse kind, I have grown only tired.  Relationships I valued have crumbled.  Drug addiction is part of my everyday thoughts and life. 

I feel I have crossed over to a dark side of life that has no joy.  My patience is weary.  My heart is broken and beats way too fast and at times I can't breathe.  Where is the joy I once felt?  My spiral downhill began with the death of my sweet Aunt.  Life has never been the same for me.

I tried to be strong and carry on, after that it has been one thing after the other.  Depression has taken its toll.  Antidepressants don't help.  I can no longer listen or watch TV at all.  I shake daily at times it is very embarrassing for me.  People don't understand you have PTSD, I guess I should have had a few shirts printed with the info on the front, no, who am I kidding people don't understand PTSD no even me.  I only thing I know for sure is I am exhausted and tired of living with it. 

I thought I needed to go somewhere beautiful to clear my mind.  That didn't help.  I thought love could change it, it didn't.....hasn't.  It is a selfish, weary time that feels like you are in the center of a tornado spinning out of control and all you want is for it to stop.  Land in a safe place.

Here's hoping for a safe landing....

C....be kind to one another...it's free...and you never know another person's burdens.

August 2011

It's the last day of August 2011.  Thank you Lord!  I have never had so many problems, heartaches, headaches and in general being miserable in one month since I can remember.  This month has changed me forever.  I know I am no longer the woman I was in July, June, May...you just know  it when you feel as shift.

I hope and pray that September 2011 will be a time for recovery, for healing and for happiness.  I pray the storm has passed.

I've missed all of your posts, comments, laughs, and just you.  I am hoping to be more present and reconnect with all of you...if I have anyone out there left that even follows.  I'll try to share my stories soon.  I ask for your prayers....

Remember to hug someone you love today.  It's free!

Art

This is exactly how I feel! for you guys that don't know...I paint...when I'm motivated and happy. I've been struggling but lately I feel like painting, I have ideas now I have to just make it happen.

Remember to be kind to one another...it's free.  Hug someone you love.

Carol-the gardener